Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art
Rubik's Cube Magician
Magician using a Rubik's Cube and some well practiced sleight-of-hand fools Penn & Teller
Ferruccio Lamborghini, founder of Automobili Lamborghini, made tractors until he went to Enzo Ferrari to have a little moan about a Ferrari he purchased. Lamborghini felt snubbed by Ferrari and in a defiant stance decided to start producing high-end sports cars himself. Already a rich man due to his businesses, Ferruccio set up the best facilities to facilitate his idea and the end result as they say, is history.
Drunken Russian Policeman
Russia is an interesting place to drive. In addition to the typical hazards of ice and snow divers must also watch out for drunken policeman.
Groaners
1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
Out of Shape People and McDonald's
One of the things that made this comedian feel old was McDonald's including salads and wraps on their menu.
Mockingbirds can imitate any sound from a squeaking door to a cat meowing.
Impotence of Proofreading
Funny examples of what happens when you don't proofread your papers in this standup routine by Taylor Mali
Tell Me What You Want
A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'
Breast is Best
Women get carried away talking about the humorous side of breastfeeding. Topics like leaking everywhere, breastfeeding dressed like man, and the ability to her milk spray like a fountain, get lots of laughter..
According to the Bible, Jews descended from Abraham‘s son Isaac, and Arabs descended from Abraham’s son Ishmael. So not only are both groups Semitic, but they’re also family.
Piece of Cake
All the server has to do is serve cake. But a hidden camera and a magnet make this a funny prank.
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees
My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.
She's a keeper.
But Maybe
Stand up comedy covering some of the tragedies in life that may just be a little bit peoples fault.
The word 'Buddha' is a title, which means 'one who is awake', in the sense of having ‘woken up to reality'.
Not an Angry Cusser
Some people don't cuss because they are angry. They cuss because it is part of their normal vocabulary
In the Bathroom
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight.
I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day".
Pro Bowler Jingle
In a skit that asks the audience to think up the least likely subject for a song laughter rolls as they try to come up with versus for a song about being a pro bowler
Around 58% of Americans play video games regularly.
An Englishman and a Welshman in the bakery
The Englishman whisks three shortbread biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Welshman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!"
The Welshman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Welshman is always more clever than an Englishman".
He says to the baker, "Give me one of your delicious biscuits please and I can show you a magic trick..!"
The baker gives him the biscuits which the Welshman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuits for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuits... " The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Welshman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Welshman says:...... "Now Look in the Englishman's pocket.
On Daredevils
Why is it that we glorify professional daredevils and laugh at the common man who takes risks.
FBI Spent Years 'Researching' The Lyrics To 'Louie, Louie' before realizing the copyright office must have them.
If You Know What I Mean
Another humorous comedy skit from the show whose line is it anyway. I miss that show.
What is Wrong With Me?
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Fat Man Breaks Car
Girl gets people to watch her car with a broken trunk lid. When an extremely fat jogger runs by and totally wrecks the car by sitting on it the prank is sprung.
If you remove all the space in between atoms, the entire human race could fit in the volume of a thimble
First Time in Water
The first time this horse has seen a large body of water. Lots of laughter and splashing make this an enjoyable watch.
Paddy at War
The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.
One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.
They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!
Swallowed two pieces of string
Swallowed two pieces of string this morning.
A little while ago they came out tied together...
I sh*t you knot!
Drug Company Hearing - SNL
Ever stop and think that some of names drug companies give medications sound an awful lot like African-American names?
Giraffe's tongues are 22 inches long and black with pink dots.
Greyhounds can reach their top speed of forty-five miles per hour in only three strides.
Keep Your Balls Clean
A funny axe commercial showing the proper way to keep your balls and other sports equipment clean.
our dog suddenly began barking
One night our dog suddenly began barking nightly at around 3 am.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband searched the back yard for what might have disturbed our dog. For three days our dog barked in the middle of the night, and still he found nothing amiss.
When the dog started barking a fourth night at 3 am. he decided to go around the house through the alley where he discovered our neighbor. He was the last person you'd suspect of throwing pebbles at the fence to wake our dog.
My husband demanded to know why he was causing our dog to bark at 3 am.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," our embarrassed neighbor explained. She said " If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."
Male Versus Female Brain
Dara, a British comedian who's famous for being a little bit on the nerdy side, explains the difference between male brains and female brains.
Primates share 4 basic features: forward-facing eyes, grasping hands, fingerprints, and large brains.
Monkeys are most easily distinguished from apes by their tails. Apes have no tails.
Wear the Damn Ribbon
Notoriously non-conformist Kramer tries to show support for a cause in his own way, but those with a herd mentality try to force him to conform.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? -- Groucho Marx
The Present
“The Present” is a wonderful animation about a boy who finds a companion that shares his struggle to overcome a limitation.
A Daughter Asks Her Dad...
A daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand.
He said that I have beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”
Her Dad replied, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”
Large, commercial breweries use inexpensive grains like rice to convert sugar to alcohol. Craft brewers rarely do.
Weed and Texting
Smoking weed and texting your children is probably near the top of things you shouldn't do as a parent. And somehow Louis CK makes it humorous.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. - Mark Twain
Rod Serling on Censorship
In some aspects it appears that what happened in the early days of television is happening to youtube and in general the internet now. Skip to the three-minute mark if you want to go to the meat of the discussion.
The science of kissing is called philematology
One theory suggests kissing may have evolved from prospective mates sniffing each others pheromones for biological compatibility.
Angry Drivers Introspective
Why do we change personalities when we get behind the wheel. Louis CK stand-up comedy routine.
Aches, Pains, and Bodily Functions
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
A 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up until nine!"
The longer a man’s ring finger is compared to his index finger, the more testosterone he has.
Paddy at War
The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.
One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.
They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!
Don't Want to Know the Gender
A feminist has to babysit her grandchild. It's a humorous situation as she goes out of her way not to learn his or her gender as she feels like people are judged by their gender.
Top ten turn-offs for women include cystic acne, raggedy nails, flatulence and belching, missing teeth, body odor, bad breath, hairy nostrils, ''man boobs,'' ''goofy'' glasses, and hair ''mistakes.''
About Dating
Ask people what they want in a girlfriend or boyfriend and we'll list features like kindness and compassion. If you could read people's real thoughts it would be a different standard.
Running Away
After being scolded for being so unruly, a young boy decides to run away.
The child gathers his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and announces, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father decided to approach the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he asked.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.
' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The father asked one last question, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man smiled and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!'
Scenes from a Hat with Miss America
The laughs keep coming as this improvisational comedy segment features a musical about breasts and disturbing times to make animal noises.
Women aged 20-29 are nearly 32 pounds heavier on average in 2020 compared to 1960.
Aspiring Student Psychiatrists
The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
If New York City were its own country and the NYPD was its army, it would be the 20-best-funded army in the world.
Friendzone Pain
She says she's looking for a partner that's more like you. I feel your friendzone pain.
yadot rorrim
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I.
(I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
Older People Are Smarter
Humorous logic from explaining why older people are smarter. What can we say; Life experiences count for a lot in this stand up comedy monologue..
When a hurricane is expected, Wal-Mart's top-selling items are strawberry Pop-Tarts and beer.
Hunter Becomes Hunted
One minute you're reeling in a huge billfish fighting for it's life, the next minute you're fighting for your life.
Password Lock
Got a password lock app that takes a picture whenever someone attempts to unlock my phone with the wrong password.
I have a ton pictures of drunk me.
A Little Help Please
When beach goers help this young lady out of the sand they get a hilarious surprise.
At one point you were the youngest person on Earth.
Near-Death Experience - SNL
When three friends (Brie Larson, Cecily Strong, Kate McKinnon) get into a car accident, one of them has a uniquely different near-death experience. In this humorous sketch two of the women recount feelings of warmth and love while the other woman recounts cold snouts.
My girlfriend and I played doctor...
My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... (USA medical system)
She spent the weekend at my place and I sent her a bill for $180,000.
Practicing Atheist
Dave Allen is probably one of the best humorist, and arguably the best at telling jokes. Even though this video was many years ago you'll recognize his humor as it's featured on the Internet often.
According to astronauts, space smells like seared steak, hot metal and welding fumes.
Women Just Keep Coming
A humorous comedy routine about women and relationships. Sometimes comedian Bill Burr worries worries that he's going to be that creepy old guy hanging out at the bar that no one cares about.
How many politicians?
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done, while the other screws it into a water faucet.
D*ck Maintenance
Large or small this product solves man's greatest issue below the belt - belt sander that is.
Choosing exciting places for a first date increases the odds of the other person falling for you. There is a strong link between danger and romantic attraction.
Fun Day at the Boat Launch
Some good old boys in four-wheel-drive trucks with high expectations and a willingness to help, find that pulling a vehicle out of the ocean isn't easy.
Lying
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,
...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
American Malls and Fat People
Building coast-to-coast shopping malls that blight the American landscape, which according to comedian George Carlin is not one of our finer accomplishments.
Scenes from a Hat Superman's Secret Thoughts
Humorous improvisational sketches including things you can say to your dog, but not your girlfriend and Drew's book on dieting.
The University of Texas study followed 474 diet soda drinkers for nearly ten years and found that their waists grew 70% more than the waists of non-drinkers.
Zoo Photographer - SNL
Members of a morning show misrepresent an animal photographer from the local zoo thanks to a major screw-up by the graphics department.
Friedrich Nietzsche
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
Taco Truck at 1 AM
If anybody knows taco trucks it's probably this comedian. Fluffy humorously goes into why you want women on the truck.
Three Little Pigs
This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six Year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.
When she came to the part where the first pig was gathering building materials for his home.
She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of That straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy said very matter-of-factly, "Holy Cow! A talking pig!!
None of That
From the Ringling College of Art + Design comes a humorous animation about a museum night guard and his efforts to protect classic Italian statues from the over zealous censorship of a nun..
Get Well Soon
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed Appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his groin area.
Worried that it might be a second surgery that the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
It didn’t take long to discover the cause for his discomfort. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon from the nurse in the 2013 Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”
Huge Waves Rock an Oil Platform
Out in the North Sea the waves can get large. Large enough to rock a massive oil platform that stands 100 foot above the surface of the ocean and weighs almost 15,000 gross tonnes.
In ancient Sparta, men who were unmarried by the time they were 30 forfeited the right to vote.
Looting and the British Museum
As upset as the British get over looting, its humorously been pointed out that that's where the British Museum got all it's stuff.
City Girl visiting the Farm
A city girl driving through the country stop to admire some cattle in a pasture. When the farmer approached she asked, "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.
Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.
Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.
MacDougals
Humorous parody of our overly sensitive world where a club gets into trouble for offering half-price averages to various ethnic groups.
In 1972, a pocket of uranium in Africa was found to have undergone self-sustaining nuclear fission for hundreds of thousands of years, making it the only known naturally formed nuclear reactor.
Flush That Gas
What do a carburetor and the toilet had in common? If you answered a float, you would be correct but they don't serve the same purpose.
The Kindhearted Scotsman
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky restaurant.
"Did you smell that food?" She asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"
Being a 'kindhearted Scotsman', he thought "What the hell ... I'll treat her!"
So they walked past the restaurant again!
Manhole Prank
You're driving down a side street spot an open manhole and a worker . It's only a prank and the cop is in on it.
Some researchers believe that those who stay awake late at night are more likely to have higher IQs.
Catching Women in Fishing Terms
Comedian explains catching women in terms of sport fishing with emphasis on the catch and release aspect. Men like to fish and sports fishing is different from fishing for food.
Congress....lol
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), and a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? . . It's a Congress!
Don't believe it? .. look it up!
Suddenly things have become a lot clearer.
Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook
When you don't know the language a phrasebook can be helpful, but not so much in this funny skit.
India has not invaded any country in her last 10000 years of history.
The New Doctor's Office
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down.
Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"... no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks".... still no good.
"Loons and Moons"... forget it.
The docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.
Thoughts - Men Versus Women
The difference between men and women is highlighted in this humorous sketch as two women acquaintances meet and a boyfriend is left out of the conversation.
The oldest surviving love poem to date is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians around 3500 BC.
Anjelah Johnson - Nail Salon
Anjelah Johnson's hilarious trip to the nail salon. Many of the nail salon proprietors are Vietnamese and they bring to the business a unique ability to focus on the customer while at the same time up-selling their services.
My Congressman
I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday.
I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.
Why Do We Like Our Own Farts?
Your farts may smell like roses...to you! To everyone else they stink. What's the Science behind that?.
A "butt" was a Medieval unit of measure for wine. Technically, a buttload of wine is about 475 liters, or 126 gallons.
Girlfriend with a Big Butt
Reginald D trying to avoid explaining to his girlfriend, why she is having trouble fitting in airplane seats.
"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road." - Henry Ward Beecher
"A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done" - Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
Wild West Water Balloons
Never bring a water balloon to a gunfight - or was that a knife to a gunfight. Anyway in this comedy skit a traveling salesman sets up a water balloon stand in the wild wild West.
If a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime.
Husbands are Blue-tooth.
Always connected to Wife when she is around.
But when Wife is out of range, they automatically start searching for new devices.
Scenes from a Hat Hillbilly Versions
In this segment improvisations include scenes from a movie hillbilly style, sportscasters working at home, and divorce Dr. Zeus style.
Gratitude can boost dopamine and serotonin, just like antidepressants.
WKUK Old Folks Home
A humorous sketch about striking gold at the old folks home - who knew they had so many party pharmaceuticals.
Husbands and Dogs
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Dave Foley - Religious Extremists
Dave Foley does a stand-up comedy routine about religious extremists and and admits that he is afraid of Muslim extremists. To prove the point he makes a few remarks about Jesus that he would not dare make Muhammad.
Elephants have 3 times the number of neurons that humans have, and no-one knows why they aren't smarter than us.
Joey Medina - Dating A Hood Rat
Comedian Joey Medina goes out on a date with a hood rat and decides to take her to a nice restaurant. He almost immediately regrets that decision.
Local Elections
I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" Democrat, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.
I carried on and I saw a woman, "Which way are you going vote? " I asked. " "Democrat, " she said. My dog bit her as well.
As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican, " he said. With that my dog bit him.
My dog doesn't give a flip about politics.
Fluffy Doing Puffy
While on a 50 state tour sponsored by Comedy Centra Gabriel Iglesias's comedy tour bus was stopped by immigration crossing the border into Arizona and being stopped by immigration. .
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
A man with sharp tongue cuts own throat.
It’s OK for sh*t to happen, it will decompose.
The greatest of whales helpless in the middle of the desert.
War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.
Man who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.
Confucius say “Those who quote me are fools.”
Nudibranchs of Papua New Guinea
Nudibranchs are ocean dwelling slugs that come in many different shapes, colors, and sizes. This video will create some appreciation for their beauty.
There are about 100 billion birds in the world, and about 6 billion of them make their homes in the United States
Cartoon Characters and Dating Advice
Still performing, and still funny, this clip features unlikely cartoon cameos, weird things that happen at a doctor's office, and things you should never say to a date, .
The National Animal of Scotland is the Unicorn
Canine Catching Fish
This dog has figured out that if the sets out pieces of bread he can catch the fish that come to feed on the bread. Behavior that's not normally seen in a dog
Started reading my first Braille
Started reading my first Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen.
I can feel it.
Unusual Thrill Ride
These guys discover that a Caterpillar digger makes for great beach entertainment.
19th century biologist Sir John Lubbock experimented on ants by getting them drunk. He discovered that sober ants would carry their drunken ant comrades back to their nest, if they were from the same colony - but they would throw drunk strangers into the ditch.
Timely Rescue ...or Not
A handsome hero, and swashbuckling swordsman comes to the rescue. Maybe he needs a new watch he seems to be a little bit late.
Irish Smiles
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home .
Ghettoest Mall Ever
Comedian DC Benny describes the ghettoest mall ever and the gauntlet of garbage that he has to navigate to get to the one store where he wants to buy something.
Humans and dogs first became best friends 30,000 years ago.
I Saw A Pink Elephant
Just for laughs as a prank on unsuspecting motorists involving a pink elephant and a sobriety test.
At the Asylum
Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
Peppers are not spicy to birds so that only birds can eat them and spread their seeds
What Women Want
A hapless modern romantic gets a little help from Cyrano de Bergerac to win the woman.
Losing his Hair,
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Glad to be Alive
While in America comedian Russell told he looks like a daytime talk celebrity and everyone in the elevator has a good laugh..
The early Church declared that alcohol was an inherently good gift of God to be used and enjoyed. While individuals might choose not to drink, to despise alcohol was heresy.
What We Can Learn from Dogs
Dogs offer a lot in terms of companionship maybe we can learn something from our pets.
The Difference Between America and Europe
In America, we call our inbreds hillbillies.
In Europe, they call them Royals.
Caveman Currency
Sticks and Rocky accidentally create a currency, and in this comedy sketch, the tribe gets a financial system. But alas the bankers cannot resist the temptation to loan out more money than they have on deposit.
The total number of people who have ever lived has been estimated to be around 108 billion.
Women and the Grapes of Wrath
Humorous examples of how women and men think differently. Men react and women plot.
Wrong Feet
I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.
He said, "These are the only feet I have."
Don't Look Good Any-more
A humorous song about ageing and the sad realization that our bodies don't look so good any more, especially without clothes.
Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, was named because she was created from a mammary cell, and the scientists couldn't think of a more impressive set of glands than Dolly Parton's.
Ship Beaching
When ship has sailed its last route it's time to run it a ground. Preferably on a distant shore were someone else will handle its disposal.
What is the Difference
What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a oral thermometer?
The taste.
Half Dead
Louis CK has come to the realization that at 40 years old, statistically speaking his life is half over. A short humorous standup comedy routine about midlife crisis.
The words hurricane, cyclone and typhoon are all names for the same type of storm. The name tells you where the storm occurred. Hurricanes are defined as storms over the North Atlantic or the Caribbean. In the western Pacific Ocean, hurricanes are known as typhoons. Cyclones are hurricanes over the Indian Ocean.
Meet Your Second Wife
In this comedy sketch, hosts Helen Walsh (Amy Poehler) and Tina Fey introduce three contestants to their future second wives. Something the contestants humorously struggle to explain to their wives.
Romantic Text Message
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm takin' a crap. Please advise."
Stuff Southern Women Say
Southern women say the darndest things. Downright funny southern colloquialisms
The name ‘Viking means ‘a pirate raid’ in the Old Norse language.
No Greater Danger to Women
Statistically speaking, there is no greater danger to the health and well being of women than men.
Cute Nickname
My pregnant wife was feeling sensitive about her enlarged breast due to lactation, so I gave her a cute nickname to cheer her up.
Apparently Dairy Queen wasn't the right choice.
Absolut Vodka used to belong to Sweden's government, until they sold it in 2008 for US$8.3 Billion to Pernod Ricard.
Lucky Day Forever
Prole 514 dreams about winning the Great Lottery. The lottery winner is transformed and allowed admission into the elite White society, where everyone is beautiful, young and happy and people spend their carefree lives solely on fun and partying..
Before You Call
Ladies before you call a guy ugly ...remember he doesn't wear make up
improv: What You Can't Say at a Funeral
Humorous Ad lib. comedy a skit called things you cannot say a funeral and things you cannot say about weight loss. Both these touchy subjects are treated with humorous irreverence by the humorists on Whose Line Is It. .
What hippos lack in swimming skills they more than make up with their ability to hold their breath for long periods of time. A thick membrane covers their eyes and their nostrils close, creating a protective water-tight seal.
Fat A**es and Buffets
Jerry Seinfeld drops in and tries out that whole telling jokes with a microphone thing. A stand-up routine that pokes a little fun at food and fat derrières.
Terms and Conditions
Adam & Eve were the first people that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.
Up Close with a Whale
It's an unusual sight to see a whale feeding in a marina close to boat docks. When the whale surfaces to feed it makes for a very impressive site.
Glass is actually neither a liquid—supercooled or otherwise—nor a solid. It is an amorphous solid—a state somewhere between those two states of matter.
Big Decks
In this humorous comedy skit full of double entendres, the guys sit around and compare their decks
The largest speeding ticket ever written was €1,000,000 in Sweden for driving 180mph.
Competing with an Asian Woman
Amy Schumer humorously laments the fact that Caucasian men seem more attracted to Asian women. When listing the traits that men are looking for a woman she concludes she hasn't much of a chance.
My Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, tossed out my beer, and unplugged the computer.
...and she thinks she's funny!
Crazy Lady Interview
local news team interviews lady on the street and soon finds out she's crazy as it gets.
The vehicle with the highest mileage covered a total of 2,850,000 miles (4,586,630 km).
I Love the ish
Stand-up comedy about living in Britain for 11 years and adapting to the British lifestyle. In Japan it either is or it is not; there is no concept of ...-ish..
Top 5 blonde inventions:
1) Waterproof towel.
2) A book on how to read.
3) Inflatable dart board.
4) Helicopter ejection seat.
The English word "girl" was initially used to describe a young person of either sex. It was not until the sixteenth century that the term was used specifically to describe a female child.
Birthday
What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once
In 1988 the League of Women Voters stopped sponsoring presidential debates and issued this terse statement:
The League of Women Voters is withdrawing its sponsorship of the presidential debate scheduled for mid-October because the demands of the two campaign organizations would perpetrate a fraud on the American voter. It has become clear to us that the candidates' organizations aim to add debates to their list of campaign-trail charades devoid of substance, spontaneity and honest answers to tough questions. The League has no intention of becoming an accessory to the hoodwinking of the American public.
The British View of Football
What the British view of American football lacks in understanding of the nuances of the game is sometimes comical. At least they made their explanation bearable by using these models as players.
My wife Thinks
My wife thinks my obsession with conspiracy theories is getting out of control.
I wonder how much money the government paid her to say that?
Healthy to Stare
Modern medicine has discovered a painless method by which men can lower their blood pressure.
In Blue Earth, Minnesota a law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.
A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
The Wild Atlantic Way
When land meets sea and nature and beauty collide, the result is a varied and majestic coastline, unique to the West of Ireland. Check out the sweeping sandy beaches, sheer cliffs, ancient forts and rocky outcrops in this bird’s eye view video.
A study found that wild alligator blood has both antibiotic and antiviral properties. In fact, it is active against HIV-1, West Nile Virus, and Herpes simplex virus.
The Most Beautiful Girl
You may have heard the phrase "damning with faint praise". This humorous song does just that, as a duo from Flight of the Concordes sings The Most Beautiful Girl.
Eternity
Devil: This is the lake of lava where you will be spending eternity.
New arrival: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?
Threat Levels
It's not easy finding humor in life-threatening situations. But humor helps us deal with the fear factor and get on with our everyday lives.
The FDA allows an average of 30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.
Your Brain On Shrooms
How do "Magic Mushrooms" chemically alter your brain? What causes the user to experience a sensory overload of saturated colors and patterns?.
Meatloaf Underwear
My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.
On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love" ...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."
Drifting down a Curvy Road
Drifting down a curvy road on their Harley hot wheels these guys look like they're having a good time.
Water is used in rice fields to prevent weeds. Rice doesn't actually need that much water, but since it can thrive in such conditions, whereas weeds cannot, it's a natural protection against them.
New-Wave and Old-School
Carlin's best routine ''New Age but Old School'' redone, remixed, and set to music.
Big Fat Cat
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"Alright," says the vet. "Lets have a look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, “I'm very sorry. I’m going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes,” says the doctor. “My arms are tired."
Nervous Alien
Exploring new worlds and contacting alien life can be exciting and scary. If you tend to be nervous this is probably not the career for you.
Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
Tossed about on the Waves
At almost 300 foot this ship is designed to handle some of the largest waves the Atlantic can throw at it. But even while it survives waves. It looks like the toy being tossed about in a bathtub..
Bananas
Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?
Nerf Nukes
Humorous parody of the real world nuclear arms race using Nerf weapons. Panic ensues when one of the kids on the block gets a nuclear Nerf weapon.
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." – Buddha
All the Education in the world won't help someone who can't think for themselves." – A.M. Sawyer
Obligation to Be Sarcastic
As a comedian, Kerry enjoys coming to work because in her job she's allowed to be sarcastic. One could say it's even required.
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
...and then he made the earth round.
Dating Preference by Race
Results from the app ''Are You Interested'', which allows clients to click ''yes'' if they find a person attractive or take the option of skipping to the next profile page.
About 500 meteorites hit the Earth each year. The largest recent known meteorite was found at Grootfontein in Namibia, southwest Africa, in 1920. It measured 9 feet (2.75m) long and 8 feet (2.43m) wide.
War Is the Answer
A humorous comedy routine with a twist. Comedian makes the case that despite our numerous denials, war is the answer and to make her point she wishes everyone a happy Fourth of July.
Alligators don't hibernate, but they do go through a dormancy period during colder weather. Before going dormant, they dig out a "gator hole," which is a depression or tunnel in the mud.
Short Funnies
My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!
You Need A Baby
Have you got too much free time to kill? Have you got more money than you know how to spend? Worry not, this humorous video has a solution for you.
Russian Roulette
I tried to warn my friend about playing Russian roulette.
But it went in one ear and came out the other.
Kids On Dating Problems
Sounding oh so adult, some young ladies contemplate the reasons why the guy is playing hard to get.
Alligators are built for speed, not endurance. They can run up to 35 miles an hour — faster than most humans — but they are sprinters and can't keep up that pace for long.
Helpful Barman
Stephen Fry is the helpful barman cheering up a customer. Hugh Laurie is plied with snacks and double entendres.
In an Irish Bar
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
The Smoke Seller
A mysterious showman billing himself as a ''smoke seller'' visits a little village whose inhabitants initially seem less than interested in what he has to offer. But smoke and mirrors can make one believe for a little while..
With population estimates as high as 300,000 in southern Florida, the Burmese python has gone from exotic pet to established apex predator in just three decades.
You Are about to Experience
Bill Hanley's stand-up comedy routine from the late late show you're about to experience a great four minutes of comedy
Peek-a-boo
Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?
He had to be put in the ICU.
A Rolling Ocean
In the north Atlantic storms can be fierce. Even a pretty good-sized ship can get tossed about on a rolling ocean. Imagine the odds of surviving a storm like this in a Viking ship.
Alligators are considered carnivores but have been known to eat fruit.
Warranty
I went to Home Depot to buy a manure spreader.
I asked what kind of warranty came with it.
The salesman said it was the one product they wouldn't stand behind.
Wheel of Death: Cirque du Soleil
Spellbinding circus acrobatics from Cirque du Soleil featuring the wheel of death.
The wars between Romans and Persians lasted about 721 years, the longest conflict in human history.
Moving Day
It's moving day and what better way to start out the day than wee nip to improve the spirits. Then again it looks like these fellows, struggling to get this couch up the road, may have had more than one wee nip.
An Engineer's love life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, ''I like both.''
''Both?''
Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''
The biggest alligator in the world (so far) was 15 feet 9 inches long and weighed in at 1,011.5 pounds. This gator was caught in Mill Creek, a tributary of a river in Alabama.
Astounding Fact
Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson was asked, ''What is the most astounding fact you can share with us about the Universe?'' This is the video version of his answer.
In Mozambique, overhead power lines have to be at least 12 m (39 ft) high to permit safe passage of giraffes.
Putting It on the Line
A humorous comedy routine expresses her opinion of why there are more male comedians than female comedians, and also what it's like trying to get back into the dating scene as an older woman.
A Few Phunnies
I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.
What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!
Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.
What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
Conan Visits A German Beach
Everything is blurred in this humorous perspective on the cultural differences between the way Americans and Germans approach nudity.
Worst Trainride Ever
His daughter is having her first period, and daddy is trying to be helpful, much to his fellow passengers dismay.
Geometry
I learned geometry.
It caused my life to take a 360 degree turn.
The top six foods that make your fart are beans, corn, bell peppers, cauliflower, cabbage and milk!
Honest University Commercial
Parody of all those University commercials that try and get you to come to their school.
Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Alien Impostors
Aliens have invaded the Earth and disguised themselves to look like humans in this comedy skit. The question is how do you tell the aliens from real people. Our heroes have found a unique solution.
American alligators appeared about 84 million years ago, while their ancestors evolved more than 200 million years ago.
Alligators are more closely related to dinosaurs than to other modern reptiles.
An Angry Ocean
Huge waves from Storm Henry strike the west coast of Ireland. Hard to get a perspective from the video but the cliffs are 65 foot tall and those are 30 foot waves.
Quick Thinking
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No Mam'. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Currently less than 7% of the people surveyed think Congress is doing a good job. This is by far the lowest approval rate since they started taking surveys.
Little Old Lady Kidnapper
This little old lady has a secret and when she asks for directions unsuspecting victims get pranked.
Odds
I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Autocomplete-ly Ruining Relationships
If you're sharing a computer with someone they could learn a lot about you using Google auto-complete.
The Asian straight-tusked elephant is likely the biggest prehistoric land mammal that ever existed, reaching a height of over 5 meters (17 feet) by the shoulders and weighing 22 tonnes?
Mythical Horse
A news crew discovers that in some parts of the city you can make up stuff and people will play along.
English Language
Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?
Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.
Husband: What?
Wife: YOU
Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.
English Language
My three year old girl asked me "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
Tom Dick and Harry
A funeral service is held for Thomas, Richard and Harold, or as they are better known; Tom Dick and Harry. Comedian Rowan Atkinson plays the part of the priest reviewing the lives and shortcomings of Tom Dick and Harry.
The blue whale (Balaenoptera musculus) reaching a maximum confirmed length of 29.9 metres (98 ft) and weighing up to 199 tonnes is the largest animal known to have ever existed.
Officer Huge
Female police officer has ridiculously huge um... assets that seem to get in the way of everything.
Odd Mask
Stopped by Starbucks and the barista was wearing an odd face mask.
Out of curiosity I asked "Did you make your mask?"
She said "No, it's a coughy filter."
Too Much Time on My Hands
With way too much time on his hands has gone through everything Netflix has to offer
Goldfish are so prevalent in the warm, shallow waters of western Lake Erie that it's now a commercial catch with over 146,800 pounds of goldfish netted in 2021.
Couples Therapy
Comedian's wife insists that they go to couples therapy and so for $250 an hour tells him they're going to play a game called total honesty.
Second
I saw my friend on the street. He had a despondent look on his face, so I asked him what was wrong.
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd month of 2022 and I just turned 22 so I bet $222 on the 2nd horse in the 2nd race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
The framers felt that the House of Representatives, as the only body at that time directly elected by the people, should have the initial control of the money flow in government.
Toward the end of a Congressional session you will see the Continuing Resolutions (CR's) flowing like a flood as Congress often cannot get to Appropriations bills especially if they are contentious. Sometimes governmental departments will operate on a CR rather than an Appropriation for a considerable amount of time.
An elderly couple was sitting together in church..
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...
The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
According to ancient Greek literature, when Odysseus arrived home after an absence of 20 years, disguised as a beggar, the only one to recognize him was his aged dog Argos, who wagged his tail at his master, and then died.
How Women Argue
As every man knows, it is impossible to win an argument with a woman - even when you are right.
Chemists do it too...
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electro-chemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
Go Anywhere Vehicle
Military vehicles will go just about anywhere, but unless they are designed to be amphibious they shouldn't be driven in deep water.
A bowhead whale killed in Alaska in 2012 had a harpoon embedded in it's blubber that dated back to the 1880's- a whale had survived over 130 years.
Still Alive
Louis CK is another comedian that's feeling old. At 18 you can vote, at 21 you can drink, at 47 you can just keep doing whatever - no one cares.
A religious traitor
Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?
Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another
Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?
Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.
Throw the Tennis Ball
Is he rooting for the tennis player, or does he just wants someone to throw the tennis ball.
In Turkey, in the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death
In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear
In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
In Israel, picking your nose is illegal.
Cat Friend - Dog Friend
If Your Friends Acted like Your Pets you would definitely think they are weird.
A Psychological Phenomenon called "The Backfire Effect" Causes a Person to Become More Convinced They Are Right When You Use Facts and Figures to Convince Them They Are Wrong
David Gborie Stand-Up
David doesn't understand love and when someone said that she didn't deserve love, this comedian built a humorous monologue around those comments.
40% of American children believe hot dogs and bacon are plants.
A team of psychologists asked youngsters to categorise a variety of items, including cheese, french fries, bacon, popcorn, shrimp, almonds, and egg, in a study published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. The results revealed a variety of shocks, including the fact that 47 per cent of the 176 participants thought french fries were made from animals.
iPhone
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
Blue Whale Feeding Behavior
Scientists captured some rare blue whale feeding behavior from a research drone showing how they make choices about what's worth eating.
In 2015, a dad in China hired gamers to kill his son in video games so the son would start looking for a job and get a life.
Adam Yenser - The Economy
The unemployment rate hit an eight year low - does it feel like it? Or does it feel like everyone is driving for Uber. .
Electrician
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical problem at my house
He refused.
In 1784 Henery Shrapnel invented a hollow cannon ball that would be filled with shot and gun powder,and exploded over the enemies
Australia
Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?
Because Australia won the coin toss
Screwing With A property Scammer
This comedian has a reputation for being willing to mess with people who are difficult to deal with, or are in a minor position of authority.
If the veins, arteries, and capillaries from the circulatory system of an average person were laid end-to-end, they would measure more than 60,000 miles long.
How to deal with a Cat in Heat
Here's a simple trick to calm down your annoying cat in heat for an hour or two. Or get her fixed it's expensive and they are happier and less annoying.? A humorous video that includes more information than most people want to know about their cat.
The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
Granny Has the Moves
The music plays, a young girl in a bikini dances, then Granny comes along and shows her up.
The oldest existing governing body operates in Althing in Iceland. It was established in 930 AD.
Leakey Statue
A hidden camera prank; the victim is asked to put their finger on a leak only to discover an additional leak
Adopted a Dog.
I’ve just adopted a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
The Humans
The Sagan Series is an educational project working in hopes of promoting scientific literacy in the general population. Excerpts from the pale blue dot combined with current video in this the ninth of the Sagan series.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
A Baby
A little boy goes up to his pregnant mom, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?
Startled, she says that’s a baby your daddy gave me.
The little boy goes to find his dad and asks if he gave his mother a baby.
He replies yes, why do you ask?”
I came to tell you she just ate it!
Leave Me Alurn - SNL
Introducing the Leave Me Alurn, a little urn for women to take with them when they’re traveling alone to deter unwanted small talk.
Algae are sometimes considered plants and sometimes considered "protists" (a grab-bag category of generally distantly related organisms that are grouped on the basis of not being animals, plants, fungi, bacteria, or archaeans).
Best Friends
Dog stands by while a little boy takes a break from walking the dog to play in a puddle.
Has Covid-19
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Bear on a Wire
Bears are a lot more agile and acrobatic than most people would think, given their size.
Most new cars fake engine noise through speakers. They are quite silent otherwise.
Catching Women in Fishing Terms
Comedian explains catching women in terms of sport fishing with emphasis on the catch and release aspect. Men like to fish and sports fishing is different from fishing for food.
What’s the Difference
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care!
Dating in Norway
In most countries when you meet someone you say hi, go out on a few dates, and eventually get horizontal together.
Goldfish, those innocent pets of childhood once relegated to the fish bowl, are now taking over fresh waterways around the world.
A member of the carp family, Goldfish can grow to between 16 to 19 inches and weigh more than two pounds in the wild.
An elderly couple was sitting together in church..
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...
The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Males vs. Females
In the animal kingdom, reproduction often involves more conflict than cooperation. The struggle between males and females leads to a host of weird adaptations, from chastity belts to anti-aphrodisiacs.
The first archaeological evidence of soup show it was made of hippopotamus.
Meatloaf Underwear
My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.
On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love" ...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."
Hot Sister
Guys are naturally a little awkward when hot women. It is doubly awkward when that hot woman is your sister .
In the 14th Century alone, the Black Death is estimated to have killed 200 million people. That's roughly the population of Brazil.
Hand Washing Fail
The only thing worse than screwing up really badly, is screwing up really badly in front of a camera.
Hijacked a Truck
An armed gang hijacked a truckload of Viagra pills.
Police are on the hunt for hardened criminals.
Criminal Mastermind - SNL
In this humorous sketch from SNL Jack (Benedict Cumberbatch) toys with his targets (Beck Bennett, Alex Moffat) using riddles. Johnny's mother had three children...
Common chimpanzees kiss with open mouths, but not with their tongues. Bonobos, the most intelligent of primates, do kiss with their tongues.
What We Have in Common
We always hear about what makes us different. Here are a few things that we have in common
Furniture Disease
Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked about his health.
So Max told the Doc that he felt fine but his suit must have shrunk over the last year or so, because it didn't fit any more.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
Asian American Problems
Sierra Katow will go out of her way to prove how Asian she is. Humorous dialog about mixed Asian culture trying to adapt to American culture.
Wild pigs are one of the most prevalent invasive species in North America. As of 2020, the population in the United States was estimated to be 6 million, with feral pigs found in 35 states.
Token White Employee
A humorous look forward to a time when Caucasians are in the minority, and cultural diversity means accommodating the ethnic differences of white people.
My Wife Threw a Bottle
My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Seven Minutes of Oops
A blooper reel of things going wrong for everyday folks with lots of laughs and none of the face plants and skate board accidents that normally fill this type of video.
The New CEO.
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
We Live in Sensitive Times
We live in sensitive times, and those in power use that to shield themselves by redirecting any criticism to the ethnic group they represent.
Sir Isaac Newton is widely credited as being a pioneer (if not necessarily the original inventor) of the cat flap, having cut a hole in his study door so that his cat would stop disturbing him while he was working.
I Am Not Homophobic
Recently comedian Bill Burr's girlfriend accused him of being homophobic because of a reaction to an event that caught him off guard.
Park Bench Games
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.
The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man"
The girl replies "awwwww you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says "3 to zip Old Fart, It's your turn".
Parking Police
What do you do when a couple of cops in speedos give you a parking ticket for being on the beach too long.
There are more insects in three square miles of rural land than there are human beings in the world.
There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.
Comedian Buys his Racist Uncle Weed
A humorous story about an older relative, that begins by explaining that his wife is black, and that her uncle who teaches black history is obsessed with racism, and still says the most racist stuff.
In Amsterdam
I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.
Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.
Big Splash
Might want to back up a bit just in case that big tank going through the mud hole splashes
Infant blue whales grow by about 90kg (198 pounds) a day.
Artisan Coffee Shops and Snap-Frames
We have way too many artisan coffee shops, according to this comedian. And supporting local artists doesn't mean anything if the art is crappy.
Love My Job
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer.
“All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep.
“What did you say?” challenged the farmer.
The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”
Why do animals have such different lifespans?
Anyone who has outlived a favorite pet has probably wondered why life spans are so different. The average life of a dog is 10-13 years, but for the worm C. elegans, life is just a few short weeks.
The sun contains more than 99.8% of the total mass of the Solar System.
Special Victims Unit Mulvaney
You can get away with saying anything you want on TV as long as you know how to phrase it in technical terms.
“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” (Aristotle)
“Love, A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” (Ambrose Bierce)
Monkeys and Alcohol
"It turns out that humans are not the only primates with a taste for alcohol and in monkey society without our morals, the results are hilarious.
Common chimpanzees kiss with open mouths, but not with their tongues. Bonobos, the most intelligent of primates, do kiss with their tongues.
Ready for White Friends
Ralph in this humorous comedy monologue says he is ready to have white friends, and he is not talking about the white people that act black.
We're All Ears
One thing you can say about the NSA (National Security Agency)
...it's one of the few parts of government that actually listens to the voters
Heavy Equipment Demolition Derby
In a disagreement over a construction contract, tensions escalated into a heavy machinery demolition derby, that left at least two Wheel Loaders flipped over in a street.
The average women in Bolivia, Indonesia, and Guatemala is short enough to be considered a Dwarf (4'10 or under).
Karl Johan: Limbo time!
A funny prank in which no one gets hurt but a little embarrassed. A hilariously funny video.
Anticipated Traffic
The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...
But a highway to hell says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers
The Expert
Everyone engineering who has been brought into a business meeting, has experienced this situation.
Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase ” The Rule of the Thumb”.
Most Satisfying Video In The World
Have you ever seen something that for some unknown reason provides you with a sense of peace and happiness? Gears working in perfect synchronization, a cake frosted with absolute precision, marbles rolling so smoothly it hurts. Something that is just...satisfying? Well here's five solid minutes of that feeling.
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Shappi the Box Ticker
A female comedian of Persian descent, her acerbic wit humorously delivered, gives people a reason to laugh at cultural differences and puts them at ease.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
In Amsterdam
I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.
Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.
Bizarrely Beautiful Ocean Creatures
An intimate and hypnotizing look at aquatic life through beautiful time-lapses at a magnified perspective. This up-close look brings you into the world of corals, sea stars, and other marine creatures that seem almost otherworldly. .
Lycett at the Apollo
Some comedians had the ability to tell you about everyday events and have you rolling with laughter. This is one of those comedians. Listen as he takes to the stage at the Apollo and tells us about his trip to the mall.
Love My Job
What Do You Call A Schizophrenic Nun?
Psycho-sis
Normally I avoid Nun jokes. They're habit forming.