Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.

On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.

Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.

I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.

There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.

It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.

Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews, went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is."

Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said, "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for nuns. In all the world," Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from, and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!"

A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own.

Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on.

"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.

"I don't know," she replied. "he looked at my garment, said something in Latin, and left."

"In Latin?" asked the first nun. "What did he say?"

He said, "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."

I'm making a graph of my past relationships.

It has an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

Why did the Storm-trooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight.

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day".

I pulled into the Convenient Mart to get milk.

When I walked toward the store I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I saw her and thought, "what an idiot... with the cops right there too."

But anyway, I went in and got my milk.

As I was checking out I hear someone screaming. As I was walking outside I saw the woman's arm was on fire! She was swinging her arm and running around going crazy!

I ran outside to help but the cops had already put her on the ground and were putting the fire out.

When they put handcuffs on her and were about to put her in the police car, I was thinking "She shouldn't have been smoking and pumping gas!"

Being the concerned citizen that I am, I asked them what they were arresting her for, figuring that catching her arm ablaze would be punishment enough.

The police officer looked me dead in my eye and said ... 'Waving a Firearm in Public'.

Why is Washington called the District of "Columbia"?

Because its namesake, Christopher Columbus, didn’t know where he was going, didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did it all on borrowed money!

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

An Irish priest named Father O'Malley was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window to look out on the beautiful day and noticed there was a dead jackass lying in his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning.

This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we're also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call to you."

A boy got a Saturday job bagging groceries at a supermarket.

One day, the store put in a machine for squeezing oranges.

The boy asked if he could work on the machine.

"Sorry," said his boss, "baggers can't be juicers."

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."

Jane couldn't find anyone to sing with, ...so she went out and bought a duet yourself kit.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was, like, 0mg!

The first one goes in for an interview and the guy behind the desk asks him about his work skills.

"I'm a wood cutter" he replies.

"Well we can off you you a job at $10.00 per hour"

The second guy goes in and the manager asks the same question.

"I'm a Pilot"

The manager is all exited and says "Excellent, we know an airline that is in need of your skills. We can offer you a job at $150.000 per year salary."

The two hillbillies chat about their experiences and the first one storms back in the office all upset. "Why do I get $10.00 per hour and he gets $150,000?"

"Well, your just a wood cutter and he's a pilot."

"I know... I cut the wood and he piles it."

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked about his health.

So Max told the Doc that he felt fine but his suit must have shrunk over the last year or so, because it didn't fit any more.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat to match their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this..)

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never one mounted and framed."

A man visits a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

As the Barber is finishing up, the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else does."

Top 5 blonde inventions:

1) Waterproof towel.

2) A book on how to read.

3) Inflatable dart board.

4) Powdered water.

5) Helicopter ejection seat.

A genie appears before a man and says, "Master, you have been chosen. I grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I've heard about this kind of thing before. Whatever I wish for will come back to bite me in some way and my life will be ruined."

The genie says, "No, that won't happen."

"Yes, it will."

"No," says the genie, "I'm so sure it won't I'll grant you an infinity of wishes if it does."

"Okay," says the man, thinking about it, "I wish for a boomerang with teeth."

Genie, "You son of a bitch..."

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" Democrat, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman, "Which way are you going vote? " I asked. " "Democrat, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican, " he said. With that my dog bit him.

My dog doesn't give a flip about politics.

Two blonds were talking about a third blond who had just given birth to triplets. “You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?” said one blond.

“That's amazing", the second blond replies "How did she ever find time to do any housework?”

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

My friends tell me that I'm lousy at telling jokes.

I always punch up the screw line.

A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'

The road to ADHD is paved with bad attentions.

My wife left me because she said I'm addicted to oxymorons. She was pretty ugly anyway.

If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.

No wait... I'm thinking of wine.

Early one stormy morning, Ben Franklin was outside with a kite in one hand, and the string in the other.

Deborah says: "Ben, what the heck are you doing out there in the rain?"

Ben says: "This dang kite won't stay in the air!"

Deborah says: "Have you thought about trying a little tail!"

Ben says: "That's what I suggested this morning and you told me to go fly a kite!"

An airline captain was working with a new blonde stewardess and the route they were flying had a layover.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing and phoned the hotel.

The new stewardess answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

"There are only three doors," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one with a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Florida Daily News comes this story of a couple that drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. But, it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

After being scolded for being so unruly, a young boy decides to run away.

The child gathers his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and announces, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father decided to approach the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he asked.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The father asked one last question, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man smiled and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!'

5. I won't subscribe to anything until I can manage what I already receive.

4. I resolve to back up hard drive daily... well, once a month, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

(and the #1 resolution)

1. I resolve to get my off-line work done, too!

In announcing the decision to reduce scrutiny of older fliers, The head of TSA was asked what the guidelines were for determining which passengers qualified.

Her response: Depends

One night our dog suddenly began barking nightly at around 3 am.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband searched the back yard for what might have disturbed our dog. For three days our dog barked in the middle of the night, and still he found nothing amiss.

When the dog started barking a fourth night at 3 am. he decided to go around the house through the alley where he discovered our neighbor. He was the last person you'd suspect of throwing pebbles at the fence to wake our dog.

My husband demanded to know why he was causing our dog to bark at 3 am.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," our embarrassed neighbor explained. She said " If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."