Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.

One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.

They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

I can hardly walk but my farts smell awesome.

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"


The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I head home!

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer!

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works all day to give us a nice home and good food.

My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid asks, "What if they try to escape?"

What do you call a hooker who likes noodles?

A Pastatute

The young second lieutenant approached the crusty old first sergeant and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

"Well, LT, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a first lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. That answer your question, LT?"

"Yeah, but what about major and lieutenant colonel?"

"Now, son, that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . ."

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), and a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? . . It's ..... a Congress!

Don't believe it? .. look it up!

Things have become a lot clearer.

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in equilibrium.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it in an excited state.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electrochemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.

What do toy trains and boobs have in common?

They were both designed for the kids but it's the dad that ends up playing with them.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done, while the other screws it into a water faucet.

“Give it to me!” She yelled.

"I’m so wet, give it to me now!"

But I guess chivalry is dead

... Because I'm keeping the umbrella

There are only two things you need to worry about in life;

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will get better, or you will get worse.

If you will get better, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you get worse, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will live, or you will die.

If you are going to live, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are going to die, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will go to heaven, or you will go to hell.

If you go to heaven then there's nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell...

You'll be so damn busy shaking all your friends' hands you won't have time to worry, so why worry?

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop pissing about," she snapped. "I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".