Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost , and maybe it's a man thing,
but I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone.
There were only the diggers and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the grave and looked down.
The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and gathered around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." --U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable not to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." --Infantry Journal

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." --Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --Anon

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." --Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --USAF Ammo Troop

Murphy asked Paddy, "What ringtone have you got?"

Paddy said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown.

I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble a reply,

'Can I feel your breasts, then?'.'

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. 'Well, we're a mite crowded, siknce there's already someone in the spare room,' replied the farmer. 'But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.'

'Look,' said the tourist, 'I want you to know I'm a gentleman.'

'Well,' mused the farmer, 'as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.'

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Banning the bra sure was a big flop.

My wife likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus

As he watched TV a man kept switching between a football game and a movie with a couple making passionate love.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife replied dryly. "You already know how to play football!"

Try saying ''I won a math debate'' real fast.

How many times can you do it before you break into laughter?

If Ironman and Silver Surfer teamed up, would they be alloys?

The other day I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

My internet addiction is so bad...

Its alt of ctrl.

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes?

Social Netwerking

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally!," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.” So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!

The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”

The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”