Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

A woman’s anger is like a Check Engine light...

There’s no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.

On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love"

...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,

...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary

But he said ''paltry'' and '' inadequate'' were already taken.

A group of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.

My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would look into my soul and say … “Okay, ma’am,” said a voice. “All done.”

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

“You can board your flight now.”

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

My internet addiction is so bad...

Its alt of ctrl.

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"!

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was, like, 0mg!

I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.

What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!

Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.

What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved

If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives

....Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity, and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Male Author Unknown

....Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.
Female Author Unknown

Classes for women – Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects

Topic 1. Silence, the Final Frontier
Where No Woman Has Gone Before

Topic 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking
Making Deposits

Topic 3. Parties
Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4. Bathroom Etiquette
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

Topic 5. Communication Skills I
Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6. Communication Skills II
Getting What you Want Without Nagging

Topic 7. Driving a Car Safely
A Skill You CAN Acquire.

New evening classes for men!!! Open to men only!

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Toilet paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 5. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 6. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonials.

Topic 7. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change their underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.