Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?

David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.

Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f**kers?

David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.

Mother: But who said they were called, er, f**kers?

David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.

Just bought a new German electric car. It's a Voltswagen.

An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.

Some people make funeral pottery to urn a living.

I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.

I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them, before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, the daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. The mother said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at her mother and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

My wife wrote an email saying she was concerned that we have communication issues.

I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify.

She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like.

I tweeted her that I love her more than anything.

She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night."

I bought a snail to enter in the snail races

I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.

If anything it just made it more sluggish

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.

The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone-cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stone-cutter.

"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.

However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stone-cutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu

(Get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

Attention Jihadists and Mujaheddin in Syria. Today, all fighters East of Aleppo will wear their blue jackets and be the Citizens Against Assad Militia.

South of Quam fighters who wore blue yesterday, have been defeated, and you will wear the black jackets you wore Saturday.

We still need representatives for the Peace Talks so keep your green jackets handy if you plan to attend.

All Mujaheddin wearing white are now North of Raqqa, unless you wore green last week, then you should be wearing brown today.

Brown is for the Martyr's Alliance. The MA is no longer affiliated with any ISIS groups except the Alliance for Martyrdom.

Remember, this Friday, ISIS fighters stand down and wait for al Nusra to switch jackets to become the People's Brigade for Democracy

After that, we have the bridge hand-over in Damascus, and a truce between the people who just lost Aleppo and the people who just won it....but it might be the other way around.

If anyone asks any questions... just say the war is "complicated".

And for goodness sakes watch out for Putin and Eroden. They are just killing everybody.

All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight. These feathers are called pinions.

If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three.

You could say the difference is just a matter of a pinion.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

I woke up to a tap on the door this morning..

..My plumber has an odd sense of humor

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." --U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable not to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." --Infantry Journal

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." --Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --Anon

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." --Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --USAF Ammo Troop

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

My internet addiction is so bad..

Its alt of ctrl.

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. However, he did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

Several friends were at camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long."

A blond goes to the vet with her goldfish.

“I think it’s got epilepsy,” she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”.

The blond says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

Two flowers were swaying gently in the breeze when one said "I love you, darling."

"I love you too," answered the second flower.

"I want you so much."

"I want you, too."

"I've got to have you right now!"

"Ooooh, where are those damned bees?"

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."