Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art
Esther Povitsky doing Hilarious Stand-upThis comedian has discovered that she ranks well in the Midwest on the attractiveness scale, middle-of-the-road on the East Coast, and as a cocker spaniel on the West Coast.
If Call Center Employees Were HonestYes, I know how long you’ve been holding and I don’t care. That is if you are lucky enough to get a call-center employee whose English you can be understood..
How Government Works
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700." The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.
""Done!" replies the government official.
...and that, is how government works.
It Doesn't Get BetterFor most kids in high school, the future promises better days. But for a certain group, there’s no time like the past.
Transsiberian DreamThe Trans-Siberian Railway, another dream come true! The world's longest railway line starts from Moscow and runs 9,288 kilometers through seven time zones to Vladivostok. I was able to document this unique 16-day trip aboard the legendary Zarengold train .
Leonardo da Vinci was dyslexic, and he often wrote backwards.
RussiansWhy do Russians sound like they're talking backwards? Russell peters goes over some humorous examples of Russian words that sound like naughty words in English, and vice versa.
Every Hit Song Starts By Sampling 'Rich Girl'The iconic song has provided the starting point for thousands of pop, rock, hip hop, R&B, and dance hits over the last three decades.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
Limp Meets LimpComedy stand-up routine on limp hand shakers. What happens when two limp and shakers meet .
The Age Of Unenlightenment?It used to be that going to school and learning something, whether it was a skill or a profession, meant something. What happened?
Set it Free.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Returning a Rental CarWhat happens when you don't have time to make your flight and return your rental car?
After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. Berserk means “bear shirt” in Norse, and hence the term To go Berserk.
Comedian Invites HecklersComedian Chris Gordon invites the audience to heckle him, and using a prop insult book he responds accordingly. Wearing a bright animal shirt is like wearing a target.
Short Jokes
Where was the first chicken fried?
In Greece.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What’s on your mind? Facebook can be depressing because everyone else's lives are better than yours... But are they really? .
OJ Commercial Did you know that serving your children the wrong orange juice can lead to a life of crime.
‘Bitch the pot' was 19th-century slang for ‘pour the tea'.
Guys will Get ThisBoys will be boys, and this is a bit of humor that will leave most women scratching their heads.
The spider that could cure cancer As much as you might loathe these hairy and scary looking spiders they could save the life of someone you know. Research being undertaken by scientists at James Cook University are showing promising signs for treating breast cancer.
“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.”
-- President Harry Truman
Locker Room - 40 and Don't CareYou're not going to impress anybody, and the peace of mind that comes with that allows you to strut your body like you are entitled to the place.
Research shows that men know they’re falling in love after just three dates, but women don’t fall in love until around the 12th date.
How To Talk To Women Wearing Headphones Every day, millions of women are afflicted with wearing headphones, leaving them completely out of touch with men who want to speak to them. .
Husband a Photo of Himself
Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse
Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Hunting With BubbaNothing wrong with someone just doing what he's told to do, but Bubba is not the brightest bulb in the house.
In the on-line dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.”
Nik Dodani - Man of ColorWith none of the trappings of Indian culture, comic humorously recounts some of the disappointments of not living up to people's expectations.
Taking a Bath
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Not yet," she replied.
Did You Honk At MeAs two attractive working girls walk past a stopped car, a horn goes off. But it's a set up to catch people's reactions.
The flag erected on the Moon during the historic Apollo 11 landing was purchased at a local Sears store for US$5.50.
Esther Povitsky doing Hilarious Stand-upThis comedian has discovered that she ranks well in the Midwest on the attractiveness scale, middle-of-the-road on the East Coast, and as a cocker spaniel on the West Coast.
The Librarian - SNL Five students get more than they bargained for when they hit on the librarian (Margot Robbie) in this humorous comedy sketch.
A Cop Calls for Backup
A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.
This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! - The floor is still wet.
Butter StickThis love song from a trio of comedians, and an embarrassed young lady, will leave you laughing.
"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. " - Harry S. Truman
Last CallIts last call and as the last two patrons find themselves attracted to each other, the bartender finds himself in need of a bottle of eye bleach.
Dicken’s CiderSeveral humorous lines from the Dickens cider company that were used in their commercials. Even given some random people got in on the act. Even better, added to the end of this video is a bloopers reel.
The energy in the sunlight we see today started out in the core of the Sun 30,000 years ago
Dog Takes Herself Sledding Three year old Secret has been taught how to carry the sled back up the hill to keep the fun going with no assistance.
The Art of the GagBefore Wes Anderson and Jackie Chan, there was Buster Keaton, one of the founding fathers of visual comedy.
New Restaurant
I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.
Kids meals will be available for $150
Tommy Gets A Promotion - Come Fly With MeHappy Burger employee Tommy has now got three stars on his name badge. He's also been given a promotion meaning he must train up new employees.
Chris McCausland Live at the ApolloStand up comedy from a comedian who happens to be blind. Some of the humor includes explaining that is a lucky man because his wife is good-looking - or at least so she tells him.
Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!”
The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question.”
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the interviewer.
Here is your question: “What comes first, day or night?”
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s day, sir!”
“How?” the interviewer asked.
“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a second difficult question!”
Moral: Technical skill is the mastery of complexity, while creativity is the mastery of simplicity.
Key & Peele - Magical Negro FightTwo wise black men butt heads when it becomes apparent that they're both offering advice to the same white guy.
How many mystery writers...
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two
One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
What Even Matters Anymore - SNLContestants compete on What Even Matters Anymore, hosted by Veronica Elders (Jessica Chastain). It seems our current Chief of Staff is able to brush off just about any crisis, and this is driving some people up the wall.
Tesla Before Elon: The Untold StoryFounded as Tesla Motors, Tesla Inc. was incorporated in July 2003 by Martin Eberhard and Marc Tarpenning, both of whom played active roles in the company's early development prior to and after Elon Musk's involvement.
Human breast milk, in addition to it's nutritional content, contains sugars (oligosaccharides) intended to feed intestinal bacteria.
I'm TriggeredI'm Triggered features two roommates who use psychology to discuss 'triggering' issues. And it sounds as ridiculous as it is.
Free BurgersTwo elderly men in Poland decided that they would beat the crowds waiting on free hamburgers at the grand opening of the new burger joint, by climbing up the down escalator.
One-liners - From a Woman's Point of View
Behind every successful woman is herself
Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels
A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career
So many men, so few who can afford me
Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time
On average the amount people can hold their breath is around one minute. Smashing that time to achieve an astounding 21 minutes 29 seconds was Hungarian escape artist David Merlini, who achieved a world record on April 26 2009 for holding his breath underwater
Spider TrickA cool prank using a smartphone. A woman gets really freaked out and loses her cool, and her hair, over this spider trick.
When You Dare Expert Hackers To Hack YouAfter reporting on the hacks of Sony Pictures, JPMorgan Chase, Ashley Madison, and other major companies, Kevin Roose got curious about what it felt like to be on the victim’s side of a giant data breach..
Shakespearian Prose
A woman was out shopping one day with her son. The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, "Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him once again to the mall. Again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last time. So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"
How Youtubers Help The HomelessThis humorous parody follows a stereo typical narcissistic Youtuber, as they find a homeless person, donate one whole dollar to help them get back on their feet, meanwhile documenting the event in detail for their channel.
Catnip TripSomeone's pet cat experiences a whole new world on catnip. Well, at least experiences channeled by the narrator.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
Terrorists vs IndiansCanadians have been asked not to smile for their passport photo in an attempt to catch terrorists. But why - terrorists never smile.
The Millennial Marriage ProposalThe man thinks he has picked out the perfect location and has picked out the perfect ring. He even found someone to photograph is that special moment. But she wants to know how will it look when it's posted to social media.
The inventor of intermittent windshield wipers tried to sell his idea to the auto industry and was turned away. When they began showing up on new cars, he sued, and won.
Galaxy Lacking Dark MatterHubble Space Telescope took an image of a bizarre, ghostly looking galaxy called NGC 1052-DF2 that astronomers calculate to have little to no dark matter.
Black Jeopardy with Chadwick BosemanShanice , Rashad and T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman) compete on Black Jeopardy, hosted by Darnell Hayes (Kenan Thompson). Two people from the hood, and one person from an imaginary world.
Vegan
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, “People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer.”
Every Economy ReportA humorous parody of every TV news report on the economy in one, courtesy of generic reporter Emily Surname
The Beatles - Revolution ''When you talk about destruction, don’t you know that you can count me out'' is the lyric that issued in the term passive revolution.
Changing EuphemismsThe English language has evolved to describe traumatic and offensive terms in a much more benign way. Descriptions such as shell-shocked, were replaced with terms like post traumatic stress disorder, which don't relate the severity of the trauma.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Dogs of the SeaOff the Isles of Scilly, a diver encounters a Atlantic grey seal. What the seal wanted from him was a belly rub. Maybe the seal had a rough day or maybe it became confused and thought it was a dog.
Giger's Beautiful Monster H. R. Giger brought elegance to the grotesque and captivated audiences with fear in a way not done since Alfred Hitchcock's cinematic masterpieces.
Like a God!!
My wife treats me like a God!!
She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.
War - What What is it Good For?A little commentary from George Carlin on one of the things we do best.
MinusIQA pill to lower your IQ because evidentially the world's a much brighter place when you're not too bright for it.
"The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth. " - Anonymous
Smile For the DMV
The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Trust IssuesMost people try to work out their trust issues, but not this guy. He uses them to make a comedy video.
Making FriendsWhile at the zoo, a young boy discovers a gorilla about the same age and size in its pen. Within minutes the two are playing a game of hide-and-seek with one another.
In ancient Greece, Solon (638-538 B.C.) once contemplated making marriage compulsory, and in Athens under Pericles (495-429 B.C.), bachelors were excluded from certain public positions.
In ancient Rome, Augustus (63 B.C.-A.D. 14) passed drastic laws compelling people to marry and penalized those who remained single.
The reasoning for the above was simple - the empire needed soldiers and workers.
What you get With Basic LifeThere are a lot of awesome things you get with a basic life. Stand up comedy from Louis Ck.
Farm Excursion
Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?
David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.
Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f**kers?
David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.
Mother: But who said they were called, er, f**kers?
David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.
The Marvel Symphonic Universe Off the top of your head, could you sing the theme from Star Wars? How about James Bond? Or Harry Potter? But here’s the kicker: can you sing any theme from a Marvel film?
Where did Russia come from?Russia is the biggest country in the world, spanning one-eighth of the earth’s landmass. But where did it all begin? And how did they come to adopt Christianity ?
French kissing involves all 34 muscles in the face. A pucker kiss involves only two
The insulting slang “kiss my ass” dates back at least to 1705
One-Line Whit.
Just bought a new German electric car. It's a Voltswagen.
An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.
Some people make funeral pottery to urn a living.
I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.
I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Mouth Full of AcornsA couple of chipmunks loading up on acorns before winter hits. Amazing to see how many acorns they can stuff in their cheeks.
An African adult elephant eats about six hundred pounds of food a day.
If Alexa was SouthernThe future is here, y'all. And it's available in burlap and reclaimed barn wood. If you want something say please, and if you get it say thank you, and for goodness sake ya'll mind your manners.
What is Life?How can we ever know for certain if we live in a simulation? Maybe the best advice is to go out there and live really interesting lives and do unexpected things so that the computer simulation won't get bored and shut you down..
Trying to Pack for Vacation
Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them, before she rushed out of the room again.
When she returned, the daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. The mother said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at her mother and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"
Hold This PleaseAn unsuspecting person is asked to hold the line with a secret quick release connected to a log in this humorous prank.
The oldest surviving love poem till date is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians around 3500 BC.
Stanhope on OverpopulationDoug Stanhope our new favorite curmudgeon, giving his view on what is really affecting the climate.
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
Another Close Encounter - SNLThe government is interested in the stories three people who were abducted for a second time by aliens. Kate McKinnon tells her story of being prodded and poked by curious grey beings.
The Antique ShopWonder why people charge so much for the junk in antique shops? We've got the answer.
There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 – ten quintillion – insects alive on earth at any one moment. In total, they weigh about 300 times as much as all the humans put together.
They Just Don't Know It yetSome humorous advice to older folks - just go with the flow. Let your children and grandchildren think you are loaded.
''The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. - Winston Churchill
''Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.'' - Will Rogers
Octopus Escapes JarA cephalopod displays amazing intelligence. An amazing video showing an octopus escaping from a jar.
You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Dolphin CoveFilmed with a quadcopter off Esperance, along south Western Australia's beautiful coastline. Huge pods of bottlenose dolphins cruise the shoreline and surf the crystal clear turquoise waves.
Wiley Coyote Catches Road RunnerWhat happens now that he's spent 20 years trying to catch the roadrunner and finally succeeded.
My wife wrote an email saying she was concerned that we have communication issues.
I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify.
She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like.
I tweeted her that I love her more than anything.
She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.
So I leaned over and kissed her good night."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar - MessageAn attractive young lady walks up to the bartender and asks ''could you give the manager a message please''.
This is generally perceived as a humorous reference to some unfortunate brass monkey who loses his testicles if the weather is too cold. However, the phrase has a different origin. A brass monkey was a triangle of brass attached to the ship’s deck. Cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid on the brass monkey to stop them from rolling loose. Brass, like all metals, contracts as it gets colder. When the temperature was sufficiently cold for the brass to contract enough, the cannonballs would escape from their confinement.
So the expression has nothing to do with monkeys, just basic science!
Teachers Union AnticsThe Teachers union is trying to figure out what to do to the brats they are forced to baby sit.
Paper Has Its UsesIt seems that computers and digital pads have replaced paper for a lot of stuff. But not this!
I bought a snail to enter in the snail races
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish
If Politicians Were Honest A humorous skit imagining if politicians had to tell the truth during elections... and limit comments to stuff that was guaranteed to appeal to the majority of the voters.
Protect Yourself with CensorshipDangerous realities and truths attack our everyday lives. Fear Not - censorship is here to protect us. This short, humorously informative piece, explains in detail how censorship can save you from having to think on your own.
$30 of raw popcorn can generate $3,000 worth of sales at movie theaters.
Jean-Pierre Parent fools Penn & TellerIt is not often that an illusionist fools Penn & Teller but Jean-Pierre Parent fooled the world-famous team of Penn & Teller using Allison the presenter and a magic box and in the process wins a spot in their Las Vegas show.