Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

As a bagpiper, I play many places. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods I got lost , and maybe it's a man thing,
but I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone.
There were only the diggers and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the grave and looked down.
The vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and gathered around. I played out my heart and soul
for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

Jack and Max are walking from religious service.
Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray ?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son.
By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

The jester struggles to free himself...

but he is up to his knees in muck. With each nervous joke he sinks deeper and deeper, "Oh my god, I'm in quip sand!"

The Englishman whisks three shortbread biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Welshman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!"

The Welshman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Welshman is always more clever than an Englishman".

He says to the baker, "Give me one of your delicious biscuits please and I can show you a magic trick..!"

The baker gives him the biscuits which the Welshman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuits for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuits... " The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Welshman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Welshman says:...... "Now Look in the Englishman's pocket.

A woman’s anger is like a Check Engine light...

There’s no easy way to know what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.

On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love"

...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,

...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary

But he said ''paltry'' and '' inadequate'' were already taken.

A group of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes.

My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no’ for an answer. A man who would look into my soul and say … “Okay, ma’am,” said a voice. “All done.”

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

“You can board your flight now.”

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down
your throat and, presto, the blockage will be removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold
them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

My internet addiction is so bad...

Its alt of ctrl.