Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

The weather was hot and this fellow wanted desperately take a dip in the lake, even though he hadn't brought his swimming trunks. Since there was no one else around, he undressed and went into the water. Soon there after a couple of ladies started walking in his direction.
When he saw the ladies he panicked, got out of the water and grabbed an old bucket laying on the sandy beach. With great relief he held the bucket in front of his private parts.
The ladies walked closer and looked at him. He felt awkward but secure in the knowledge that his privates were hidden.
One of the ladies began conversing with him. “You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds” she said.
Wanting to dispense with the women, the embarrassed man replied sharply, “Well, I seriously doubt you can read my mind.”
“You’re wrong,” the lady replied, “because I know that you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it."

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"



Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A violinist says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin."

His wife replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!

What do you call a religious owl?

A bird of pray.

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements?

The atoms family.

I renamed my toilet form John to Jim the other day

That way, I can tell people that I wake up and go to the Jim every morning. (gym)

Two nuns decide to buy a 6-pack of a beer.

The liquor store clerk gives them a look.

So the nuns say “This is for washing our hair.”

"Your hair, huh?"

"That's right, our hair."

The clerk nods and puts pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, saying, “Ladies, the curlers are on me.”

"I quit smoking.

I feel better.

I smell better.

And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house."

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did.

Everything was going fine but when she bent on to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

I type with one hand.

My wife treats me like a God!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened?? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail!"

Find a group photo of three girls, and say "You two look incredibly gorgeous.