Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'

The road to ADHD is paved with bad attentions.

My wife left me because she said I'm addicted to oxymorons. She was pretty ugly anyway.

If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.

No wait... I'm thinking of wine.

Early one stormy morning, Ben Franklin was outside with a kite in one hand, and the string in the other.

Deborah says: "Ben, what the heck are you doing out there in the rain?"

Ben says: "This dang kite won't stay in the air!"

Deborah says: "Have you thought about trying a little tail!"

Ben says: "That's what I suggested this morning and you told me to go fly a kite!"

An airline captain was working with a new blonde stewardess and the route they were flying had a layover.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing and phoned the hotel.

The new stewardess answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

"There are only three doors," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one with a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Florida Daily News comes this story of a couple that drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned a while later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. But, it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

After being scolded for being so unruly, a young boy decides to run away.

The child gathers his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and announces, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father decided to approach the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he asked.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The father asked one last question, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man smiled and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!'

5. I won't subscribe to anything until I can manage what I already receive.

4. I resolve to back up hard drive daily... well, once a month, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

(and the #1 resolution)

1. I resolve to get my off-line work done, too!

In announcing the decision to reduce scrutiny of older fliers, The head of TSA was asked what the guidelines were for determining which passengers qualified.

Her response: Depends

One night our dog suddenly began barking nightly at around 3 am.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband searched the back yard for what might have disturbed our dog. For three days our dog barked in the middle of the night, and still he found nothing amiss.

When the dog started barking a fourth night at 3 am. he decided to go around the house through the alley where he discovered our neighbor. He was the last person you'd suspect of throwing pebbles at the fence to wake our dog.

My husband demanded to know why he was causing our dog to bark at 3 am.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," our embarrassed neighbor explained. She said " If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon.

Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother will be coming to live with you and your wife."

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a recorder

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your land."

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?

I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who's around.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they won't remember them.

Australian Shepherd: I have a better idea... let's herd all the light-bulbs into one place.

Basset Hound: You go ahead. I'll just take a nap.

German Shepherd: I'm on it! Of course, I'll need to replace the light fixture and the wiring to bring everything up to code.

Golden Retriever: Who needs a lightbulb? Let's go outside and play fetch!

Labrador Retriever (Lab): Oh, me, me! Let me change all the light-bulbs!

Old English Sheep Dog: Huh? Who turned out the lights?

Pointer: There it is! What are you waiting for? There it is! Change it!

A professor when asked how long a paper should be, replied "It should be like a woman's skirt".

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

"Could you give me something to cure hiccups, please?"

The pharmacist leans over the counter and gives the man a good slap on the back. Then he asks, "Have they gone?"

The man replies, "My wife's waiting in the car, but I'll go and ask her."

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only accurate way, is by the size of his feet," counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and and looked around, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner and a movie, then took him to a motel for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already left. By the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit."

My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

My wife and I were visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

You need to update, he said. People don’t waste money on silly newspapers anymore.

Here, you can use my iPad, if you can figure it out.

I tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it… and, the look on my son's face was priceless.

What is it called when skin touches skin, hair touches hair & Balls Disappear?

Blinking Your Eyes.

Recently the Origami Bank has folded, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, over 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank.

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: 'PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.'

If that wasn't bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for 'THUMBTACKS.' In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: 'DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?'

Paddy and Maggy Dunn send their son, Neely, from Ireland to the United States to find a job and build a dream career. Off Neely sails on a freighter, earning his way across the Atlantic as a deckhand.

Upon arriving in the U.S., Neely sends his mam and pap a letter, explaining the glorious sights and sounds he beheld. As Neely searches for a job, his letters dwindle in frequency and, before long, cease altogether.

Paddy 'n Maggie are concerned, naturally, and send their second son, Liam, to the States to find Neely and see if he was okay. Off Liam sails.

Liam is so overwhelmed by the vastness of the U.S. that he has no idea how to find his brother. So he walks up to the nearest structure, knocks on the door, and asks, "Are ye Neely Dunn?"

"Yes," comes the reply from the porta-potty, "but I've run out of paper."

"That's no excuse not to write to yer mother!"

What do you call an impotent lizard?

Answer: A reptile dysfunction

A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo playing a soccer with an invisible ball. The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise. They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the co-pilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down. The co-pilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns in the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet. The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

The copilot replies: "I told them: soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside."

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, as well.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, Out of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

A 3rd-grade girl came home from school. She was very happy, and her Mom noticed this and asked, "What makes you so happy today?"

The girl said, "Mom, we learned how to make babies in school today!"

Thinking that 3rd grade was a bit early for that, she asked her daughter to tell her how.

"It's easy, Mom... you just drop the 'Y', and add 'I-E-S'," the daughter said.

Chemists do it organically and inorganically.

Electro-chemists do it with greater potential.

Polymer chemists do it in chains.

Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.

Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.

A wife returns home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

The best thing for you to do at your age is give up sex and alcohol."
Old man: "I don't deserve the best. What's the next best?"

Old man: "I feel just like a newborn baby - no hair , no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

Two old ladies in church. One whispers: "I think my butt is falling asleep." The other says: "I know. I've heard it snore three times already."

Did you hear about the old lady who entered a contest for most prominent veins? She didn't win, but she came varicose.