Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”

I said, “People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer.”

Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!”

The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question.”

“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the interviewer.

Here is your question: “What comes first, day or night?”

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s day, sir!”

“How?” the interviewer asked.

“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a second difficult question!”

Moral: Technical skill is the mastery of complexity, while creativity is the mastery of simplicity.

I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.

Kids meals will be available for $150

A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.

This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! - The floor is still wet.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a recorder

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these people. They have come to steal your land."

An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.

I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.

I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

I love the expression "A Number Of..." because it doesn't mean anything

"A number of " Victoria's Secret models have expressed an interest in sleeping with me

Unfortunately, that number is zero!

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 64 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we have 38 dinners available."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?

I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.

The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.

Did you hear about the locomotive that always did as it was told?

It was really well trained

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. However, he did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students.

Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight. These feathers are called pinions.

If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three.

You could say the difference is just a matter of a pinion.

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.

Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.

All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night.

Captain replied: Only once sir.

General laughed and asked why?

Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir

I bought a snail to enter in the snail races

I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.

If anything it just made it more sluggish

My wife wrote an email saying she was concerned that we have communication issues.

I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify.

She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like.

I tweeted her that I love her more than anything.

She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night."

4. I won't subscribe to anything until I can manage what I already receive.

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

(and the #1 resolution)

1. I resolve to get my off-line work done, too!

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.

On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.

Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.

I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.

There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.

It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone-cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.

"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stone-cutter.

"In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.

However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer'."

"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.

"Sure it will," retorted the stone-cutter. "People will read it and exclaim, 'That's Strange!'"

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves. - Josh Billings

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am. -Tming

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." --U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable not to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo." --Infantry Journal

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." --Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --Anon

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." --Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --USAF Ammo Troop

My wife's cooking is incredible.

With a silent 'cr'. ;)

A social worker from a big city recently transferred to the mountains of West Virginia

She was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. A backward poet writes inverse.
11. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
12. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

A woman was sitting in a restaurant enjoying lunch with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Clean my house.'

My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.

She's a keeper.

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight.

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day".

The Englishman whisks three shortbread biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Welshman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!"

The Welshman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Welshman is always more clever than an Englishman".

He says to the baker, "Give me one of your delicious biscuits please and I can show you a magic trick..!"

The baker gives him the biscuits which the Welshman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuits for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuits... " The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Welshman eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Welshman says:...... "Now Look in the Englishman's pocket.

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.

One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.

They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!

Swallowed two pieces of string this morning.

A little while ago they came out tied together...

I sh*t you knot!

One night our dog suddenly began barking nightly at around 3 am.

Irritated and sleepy, my husband searched the back yard for what might have disturbed our dog. For three days our dog barked in the middle of the night, and still he found nothing amiss.

When the dog started barking a fourth night at 3 am. he decided to go around the house through the alley where he discovered our neighbor. He was the last person you'd suspect of throwing pebbles at the fence to wake our dog.

My husband demanded to know why he was causing our dog to bark at 3 am.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," our embarrassed neighbor explained. She said " If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave."

A daughter asks her Dad, “Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand.

He said that I have beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad replied, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

A 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

The Irish have sent two warships to the Middle East.

One of them is filled with sand; and the other is filled with cement.

They are obviously planning a mortar attack!!

After being scolded for being so unruly, a young boy decides to run away.

The child gathers his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and announces, 'I'm running away from home!'.

The father decided to approach the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he asked.

'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child.

' And what if you run out of money?'.

'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.

The father asked one last question, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.

'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.

The man smiled and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!'

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," replied the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I.

(I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)

Got a password lock app that takes a picture whenever someone attempts to unlock my phone with the wrong password.

I have a ton pictures of drunk me.

My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... (USA medical system)

She spent the weekend at my place and I sent her a bill for $180,000.

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done, while the other screws it into a water faucet.

Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail,

...but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.

This is a true story, indicating how fascinating the mind of a six Year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her Class.

When she came to the part where the first pig was gathering building materials for his home.

She read, "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of That straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy said very matter-of-factly, "Holy Cow! A talking pig!!

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed Appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his groin area.

Worried that it might be a second surgery that the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough courage to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

It didn’t take long to discover the cause for his discomfort. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily – if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon from the nurse in the 2013 Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

A city girl driving through the country stop to admire some cattle in a pasture. When the farmer approached she asked, "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns.

Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold.

Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse.

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" She asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a 'kindhearted Scotsman', he thought "What the hell ... I'll treat her!"

So they walked past the restaurant again!

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), and a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons? . . It's a Congress!

Don't believe it? .. look it up!

Suddenly things have become a lot clearer.

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"... no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks".... still no good.

"Loons and Moons"... forget it.

The docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends"

Everyone loved it.

I shook hands with my Congressman yesterday.

I didn't mean to, I was just reaching for my wallet.

Always connected to Wife when she is around.

But when Wife is out of range, they automatically start searching for new devices.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" Democrat, " he replied. With that my dog bit him.

I carried on and I saw a woman, "Which way are you going vote? " I asked. " "Democrat, " she said. My dog bit her as well.

As I carried on I met another man, "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican, " he said. With that my dog bit him.

My dog doesn't give a flip about politics.