Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked about his health.

So Max told the Doc that he felt fine but his suit must have shrunk over the last year or so, because it didn't fit any more.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

I saw my friend on the street. He had a despondent look on his face, so I asked him what was wrong.

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd month of 2022 and I just turned 22 so I bet $222 on the 2nd horse in the 2nd race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.

It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who's around.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they won't remember them.

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

Because Australia won the coin toss

My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.

On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love" ...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."

My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

I tried to warn my friend about playing Russian roulette.

But it went in one ear and came out the other.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, ''I like both.''

''Both?''

Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?

He had to be put in the ICU.

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.

...and then he made the earth round.

Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?

Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.

Husband: What?

Wife: YOU

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No Mam'. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.

What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!

Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.

What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved

If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives

I learned geometry.

It caused my life to take a 360 degree turn.

Chemists do it organically and inorganically.

Electro-chemists do it with greater potential.

Polymer chemists do it in chains.

Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.

Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.

My three year old girl asked me "Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"

Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?

Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another

Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?

Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.

An elderly couple was sitting together in church...

The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"

The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Stopped by Starbucks and the barista was wearing an odd face mask.

Out of curiosity I asked "Did you make your mask?"

She said "No, it's a coughy filter."

I’ve just adopted a dog from a blacksmith

As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door

A little boy goes up to his pregnant mom, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?

Startled, she says that’s a baby your daddy gave me.

The little boy goes to find his dad and asks if he gave his mother a baby.

He replies yes, why do you ask?”

I came to tell you she just ate it!

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical problem at my house

He refused.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"

"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.

"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man"

The girl replies "awwwww you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.

The old man turns to his friend and says "3 to zip Old Fart, It's your turn".

The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...

But a highway to hell says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer.

“All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep.

“What did you say?” challenged the farmer.

The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”

What Do You Call A Schizophrenic Nun?

Psycho-sis

Normally I avoid Nun jokes. They're habit forming.

I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.

Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.

One thing you can say about the NSA (National Security Agency)

...it's one of the few parts of government that actually listens to the voters

I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.

Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.

Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of a**holes.

If you ever want to hide something...

Put it on the second page of Google.

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No Mam'. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.

What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!

Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.

What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved

If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie... Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman," he says to the bartender.

"Because if she doesn't have that, I just might have a chance."

There really only two kinds of fishermen, Sport fishermen and those who catch fish.

Do fishermen live in the reel world?

Is it true that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day?

Who edits fishing shows? How do they decide what's too boring?

Why do fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port?

Why is it that nothing increases the size of a fish like fishing all by yourself?

Why is it that you never see a fish mounted on a wall with it's mouth shut?

Wouldn't living be easier if men showed as much patience at home as they do when they're fishing?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.

Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A kid comes home and proudly announces to his parents, "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"

The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing son! What was the question?"

Sticking out his chest, he says, "Who farted?"

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I took a trip to the library to see if they had a copy.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

A policeman pulled me over as I drove through the red-light district.

He said, "Looking for a good time were we, sir?"

I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"

The inventor of autocorrect has died.

His funnel is tomato. May he rust in piss.

John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.

John said, "I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word"

Wow!" said Bob, how did you manage that?

"It's easy, replied John, my last word is always "Yes, Dear".

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

Know the Difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

After observing Earth two aliens are having a conversation.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have their weapons aimed at themselves."

I was at a ski resort durring a psychiatry convention.

I've never seen so many Freudians slip.

A man visits a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

As the Barber is finishing up, the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else."

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia

She whispered "They're behind you."

The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the merry-go-round….

They traveled in different circles.

An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar

The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."

The road to ADHD is paved with bad attentions.

My wife left me because she said I'm addicted to oxymorons. She was pretty ugly anyway.

If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

A husband texts his wife after being involved in a severe accident. "Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Cathy brought me to the hospital.

They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong. It may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Response: Who is Cathy?

Two economists trying to learn about farm economy came across a pile of manure while walking through the pasture where the farmer used to keep his bulls.

The first economist says to the other “I’ll pay you $100 if you can pick up a handfull of manure and throw it over that fence.” The second economist throws the manure over the fence and takes the $100.

As they continue walking they come across another pile of manure. The second economist turns to the first and says “I’ll pay you $100 if you can pick up a handfull of manure and throw it over this fence.” The first economist throws the manure over the fence and takes the $100.

After walking a little farther, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $100 to sling manure, then you gave me back the same $100 to sling some manure. I can't help but feel like we both just sling manure for nothing."

"That's not true", responded the second economist. "We spread a little BS and increased the GDP by $200!"

How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb.

Too

A hermit was pulled over by the police and charged with recluse driving.

Watched an Olympic curling event yesterday. - I soon got swept up in the action.

It's tough doing inventories in Afghanistan. - due to the tally ban.

The Symphony Orchestra conductor threw a tempo tantrum.

I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong. I mean it's not rocket surgery

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her father's new young wife, Barb, had purchased the exact same dress! She asked Barb to exchange the dress, but Barb refused. "Absolutely not! I'm wearing this dress. I look like a million bucks in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, Sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

Two weeks later Jennifer and her mother went shopping and found another awesome dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You really don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, Dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3 How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lond Lines Division)

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

I chose my gastroenterologist based on a gut feeling.

I took a picture of a field of wheat, but it turned out grainy.

Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gift.

First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....

I studied water purification in college because I had a great thirst for knowledge.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

My wife came out of the bathroom and with a twinkle in her eye, said “I just shaved down there and you know what that means don't you”

With a knowing nod, I said “Yep sure do - the drain is clogged again!”

Blessed are the Cracked, for They Let in the Light!

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

What can we expect from a politician if we ask him to tell "Truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth"?

Three different answers...

The most important question from the career placement test given to all applicants for a Military Commission.

It went: "Rearrange the letters: P – N – E – S – I :to spell out an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

All those who spelled SPINE became Doctor's, the rest went to Basic Training.

Two storks are sitting in their nest, a father stork and his son. The son is asking his father where his mother went. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

"Bringing babies?" the son asked.

"That's right," the father replied. "That's our job."

"Wow! I want to do that!" the son replied.

The next night, it's the father's turn to make deliveries.

"Is Dad delivering babies too?" the son asked.

"That's right," the mother answered. "He's bringing new joy to mommies and daddies."

"I want to do that!" the son replied.

The next day, the father and mother discussed it and decided the son could make a delivery. "We're going to let you try," the father said to his son. "This is what you do. The baby will be wrapped in cloth. Hold the cloth in your beak like this. Then you just deliver it to the proper location. Can you do that?"

"I can!" the son replied. They sent him on his way.

Hours passed and the son still had not come back. The parents were getting worried.

He finally came back. "What took you so long?" the mother asked. "Did you make the delivery?"

"Yes," the son replied. "Sorry I took so long. I was just having some fun scaring college students!"

Son:   ''Dad, What’s an echo?''

Father:   ''An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word.''

Just bought a new German electric car. It's a Voltswagen.

An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.

Some people make funeral pottery to urn a living.

I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.

I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Recently the Origami Bank has folded, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, over 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.

"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700." The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!

How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.

""Done!" replies the government official.

...and that, is how government works.

Started reading my first Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen.

I can feel it.

Old man: "I feel just like a newborn baby - no hair , no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."

Two old ladies in church. One whispers: "I think my butt is falling asleep." The other says: "I know. I've heard it snore three times already."

Did you hear about the old lady who entered a contest for most prominent veins? She didn't win, but she came varicose.

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.

No wait... I'm thinking of wine.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Scaring men is easy

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is.

Where was the first chicken fried?

In Greece.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected."

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Not yet," she replied.

What do you get when you win the laziest man in the world contest?

Atrophy.

Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?

David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.

Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f**kers?

David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.

Mother: But who said they were called, er, f**kers?

David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.

I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.

Kids meals will be available for $150

Behind every successful woman is herself

Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels

A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career

So many men, so few who can afford me

Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two! One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

There are two typos of people in the world...

... those who proofread, and those who don't.

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children, apparently scared by the loud storm, in bed with my wife, Karen. That night I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.

The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip, Karen and the children picked me up in the airport terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said excitedly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" my son shouted.

The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area for his Mom.

Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them, before she rushed out of the room again.

When she returned, the daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. The mother said, "What's wrong honey?"

Sad and broken up she looked at her mother and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeño business.

As it was a beautiful day, a woman decided to stretch out on a park bench and soak up the sun.

After ten minutes, a down-and-out wino came over to her and said: "Hi gorgeous. How about you and I get together?".

"How dare you? replied the woman. "I'm not some cheap pick-up!"

"No?" said the wino. "Then what are you doing in my bed?"

It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.

A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.

It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”

I said, “People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer.”

Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!”

The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question.”

“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the interviewer.

Here is your question: “What comes first, day or night?”

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s day, sir!”

“How?” the interviewer asked.

“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a second difficult question!”

Moral: Technical skill is the mastery of complexity, while creativity is the mastery of simplicity.

I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.

Kids meals will be available for $150

A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.

This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! - The floor is still wet.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a recorder

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"Watch out for these people. They have come to steal your land."

An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.

I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.

I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

I love the expression "A Number Of..." because it doesn't mean anything

"A number of " Victoria's Secret models have expressed an interest in sleeping with me

Unfortunately, that number is zero!

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 64 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we have 38 dinners available."

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.

The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?

I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.

The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.

The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.

Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.

Did you hear about the locomotive that always did as it was told?

It was really well trained

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. However, he did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students.

Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight. These feathers are called pinions.

If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three.

You could say the difference is just a matter of a pinion.

In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.

Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.

Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.

All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night.

Captain replied: Only once sir.

General laughed and asked why?

Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir

I bought a snail to enter in the snail races

I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.

If anything it just made it more sluggish

My wife wrote an email saying she was concerned that we have communication issues.

I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify.

She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like.

I tweeted her that I love her more than anything.

She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.

So I leaned over and kissed her good night."

4. I won't subscribe to anything until I can manage what I already receive.

3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

2. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

(and the #1 resolution)

1. I resolve to get my off-line work done, too!

It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.

On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.

Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.

I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.

There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.

It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.