Sharing Humor, Beauty and Art
Women and the Grapes of Wrath
Humorous examples of how women and men think differently. Men react and women plot.
Losing his Hair,
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
And so they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Glad to be Alive
While in America comedian Russell told he looks like a daytime talk celebrity and everyone in the elevator has a good laugh..
Humans and dogs first became best friends 30,000 years ago.
Timely Rescue ...or Not
A handsome hero, and swashbuckling swordsman comes to the rescue. Maybe he needs a new watch he seems to be a little bit late.
At the Asylum
Two nuts are sitting next to each other at the asylum. One turns to the other and says, "Why are we all here?"
Other nut shrugs his shoulders and replies, "'Cuz we're not all there."
Fluffy Doing Puffy
While on a 50 state tour sponsored by Comedy Centra Gabriel Iglesias's comedy tour bus was stopped by immigration crossing the border into Arizona and being stopped by immigration. .
19th century biologist Sir John Lubbock experimented on ants by getting them drunk. He discovered that sober ants would carry their drunken ant comrades back to their nest, if they were from the same colony - but they would throw drunk strangers into the ditch.
Ghettoest Mall Ever
Comedian DC Benny describes the ghettoest mall ever and the gauntlet of garbage that he has to navigate to get to the one store where he wants to buy something.
Irish Smiles
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home .
What We Can Learn from Dogs
Dogs offer a lot in terms of companionship maybe we can learn something from our pets.
The words hurricane, cyclone and typhoon are all names for the same type of storm. The name tells you where the storm occurred. Hurricanes are defined as storms over the North Atlantic or the Caribbean. In the western Pacific Ocean, hurricanes are known as typhoons. Cyclones are hurricanes over the Indian Ocean.
Caveman Currency
Sticks and Rocky accidentally create a currency, and in this comedy sketch, the tribe gets a financial system. But alas the bankers cannot resist the temptation to loan out more money than they have on deposit.
Wrong Feet
I told my friend that he had his shoes on the wrong feet.
He said, "These are the only feet I have."
Don't Look Good Any-more
A humorous song about ageing and the sad realization that our bodies don't look so good any more, especially without clothes.
Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, was named because she was created from a mammary cell, and the scientists couldn't think of a more impressive set of glands than Dolly Parton's.
Ship Beaching
When ship has sailed its last route it's time to run it a ground. Preferably on a distant shore were someone else will handle its disposal.
What is the Difference
What is the difference between a rectal thermometer and a oral thermometer?
The taste.
Cartoon Characters and Dating Advice
Still performing, and still funny, this clip features unlikely cartoon cameos, weird things that happen at a doctor's office, and things you should never say to a date, .
The Difference Between America and Europe
In America, we call our inbreds hillbillies.
In Europe, they call them Royals.
Nudibranchs of Papua New Guinea
Nudibranchs are ocean dwelling slugs that come in many different shapes, colors, and sizes. This video will create some appreciation for their beauty.
There are about 100 billion birds in the world, and about 6 billion of them make their homes in the United States
Elephants have 3 times the number of neurons that humans have, and no-one knows why they aren't smarter than us.
Joey Medina - Dating A Hood Rat
Comedian Joey Medina goes out on a date with a hood rat and decides to take her to a nice restaurant. He almost immediately regrets that decision.
Husbands and Dogs
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
WKUK Old Folks Home
A humorous sketch about striking gold at the old folks home - who knew they had so many party pharmaceuticals.
What hippos lack in swimming skills they more than make up with their ability to hold their breath for long periods of time. A thick membrane covers their eyes and their nostrils close, creating a protective water-tight seal.
Dave Foley - Religious Extremists
Dave Foley does a stand-up comedy routine about religious extremists and and admits that he is afraid of Muslim extremists. To prove the point he makes a few remarks about Jesus that he would not dare make Muhammad.
Before You Call
Ladies before you call a guy ugly ...remember he doesn't wear make up
Fat A**es and Buffets
Jerry Seinfeld drops in and tries out that whole telling jokes with a microphone thing. A stand-up routine that pokes a little fun at food and fat derrières.
Glass is actually neither a liquid—supercooled or otherwise—nor a solid. It is an amorphous solid—a state somewhere between those two states of matter.
Big Decks
In this humorous comedy skit full of double entendres, the guys sit around and compare their decks
My Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, tossed out my beer, and unplugged the computer.
...and she thinks she's funny!
The Most Beautiful Girl
You may have heard the phrase "damning with faint praise". This humorous song does just that, as a duo from Flight of the Concordes sings The Most Beautiful Girl.
Eternity
Devil: This is the lake of lava where you will be spending eternity.
New arrival: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?
Healthy to Stare
Modern medicine has discovered a painless method by which men can lower their blood pressure.
In Blue Earth, Minnesota a law declares that no child under the age of twelve may talk over the telephone unless monitored by a parent.
A Chicago law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
The Wild Atlantic Way
When land meets sea and nature and beauty collide, the result is a varied and majestic coastline, unique to the West of Ireland. Check out the sweeping sandy beaches, sheer cliffs, ancient forts and rocky outcrops in this bird’s eye view video.
Crazy Lady Interview
local news team interviews lady on the street and soon finds out she's crazy as it gets.
A study found that wild alligator blood has both antibiotic and antiviral properties. In fact, it is active against HIV-1, West Nile Virus, and Herpes simplex virus.
I Love the ish
Stand-up comedy about living in Britain for 11 years and adapting to the British lifestyle. In Japan it either is or it is not; there is no concept of ...-ish..
Top 5 blonde inventions:
1) Waterproof towel.
2) A book on how to read.
3) Inflatable dart board.
4) Helicopter ejection seat.
The British View of Football
What the British view of American football lacks in understanding of the nuances of the game is sometimes comical. At least they made their explanation bearable by using these models as players.
The vehicle with the highest mileage covered a total of 2,850,000 miles (4,586,630 km).
Stuff Southern Women Say
Southern women say the darndest things. Downright funny southern colloquialisms
Romantic Text Message
An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.
The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy
One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband responded: "I'm takin' a crap. Please advise."
improv: What You Can't Say at a Funeral
Humorous Ad lib. comedy a skit called things you cannot say a funeral and things you cannot say about weight loss. Both these touchy subjects are treated with humorous irreverence by the humorists on Whose Line Is It. .
The English word "girl" was initially used to describe a young person of either sex. It was not until the sixteenth century that the term was used specifically to describe a female child.
Birthday
What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?
Forget it once
In 1988 the League of Women Voters stopped sponsoring presidential debates and issued this terse statement:
The League of Women Voters is withdrawing its sponsorship of the presidential debate scheduled for mid-October because the demands of the two campaign organizations would perpetrate a fraud on the American voter. It has become clear to us that the candidates' organizations aim to add debates to their list of campaign-trail charades devoid of substance, spontaneity and honest answers to tough questions. The League has no intention of becoming an accessory to the hoodwinking of the American public.
Terms and Conditions
Adam & Eve were the first people that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.
Up Close with a Whale
It's an unusual sight to see a whale feeding in a marina close to boat docks. When the whale surfaces to feed it makes for a very impressive site.
Elephants only sleep for two hours each day.
Cute Nickname
My pregnant wife was feeling sensitive about her enlarged breast due to lactation, so I gave her a cute nickname to cheer her up.
Apparently Dairy Queen wasn't the right choice.
You might think that graffiti is a relatively new urban movement - but the act actually dates back thousands of years. Messages such as ‘Staphylus was here’, 'Phileros is a eunuch!' and 'I screwed the barmaid' were written on walls in the Italian city of Pompeii and preserved when it was buried by volcanic ash. The word 'grafitti' comes from the Italian 'graffiato', meaning scratched.
10 of the funniest double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said?'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
Cooking With Satire
In an attempt to live forever, and become just like their idol, Sarah Wilson, McCartney and McLennan give up the sweet stuff; sugar. Please Note: This episode is booze, sugar, gluten, fructose, lactose and personality-free.
The white thin film over the tongue is actually bacteria build up. A pink tongue represents a healthy clean tongue.
Too Much Time on My Hands
With way too much time on his hands has gone through everything Netflix has to offer
Furniture Disease
Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked about his health.
So Max told the Doc that he felt fine but his suit must have shrunk over the last year or so, because it didn't fit any more.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
40% of American children believe hot dogs and bacon are plants.
A team of psychologists asked youngsters to categorise a variety of items, including cheese, french fries, bacon, popcorn, shrimp, almonds, and egg, in a study published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology. The results revealed a variety of shocks, including the fact that 47 per cent of the 176 participants thought french fries were made from animals.
Mythical Horse
A news crew discovers that in some parts of the city you can make up stuff and people will play along.
Second
I saw my friend on the street. He had a despondent look on his face, so I asked him what was wrong.
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd month of 2022 and I just turned 22 so I bet $222 on the 2nd horse in the 2nd race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
Seven Minutes of Oops
A blooper reel of things going wrong for everyday folks with lots of laughs and none of the face plants and skate board accidents that normally fill this type of video.
Q: Why do men’s clothes have buttons on the right while women’s clothes have buttons on the left?
A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid’s right! And that’s where women’s buttons have remained since.
Your Brain On Shrooms
How do "Magic Mushrooms" chemically alter your brain? What causes the user to experience a sensory overload of saturated colors and patterns?.
My Wife Threw a Bottle
My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
How Women Argue
As every man knows, it is impossible to win an argument with a woman - even when you are right.
Grizzly Bears have a bite force of over 1200 psi, strong enough to crush a bowling ball.
Helpful Barman
Stephen Fry is the helpful barman cheering up a customer. Hugh Laurie is plied with snacks and double entendres.
Being over 60 ain't so bad:
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who's around.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they won't remember them.
Cadillac of Backhoes
A humorous handyman project! Red Green shows how easy it is to turn a Cadillac into a backhoe
With population estimates as high as 300,000 in southern Florida, the Burmese python has gone from exotic pet to established apex predator in just three decades.
Odds
I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Autocomplete-ly Ruining Relationships
If you're sharing a computer with someone they could learn a lot about you using Google auto-complete.
The Asian straight-tusked elephant is likely the biggest prehistoric land mammal that ever existed, reaching a height of over 5 meters (17 feet) by the shoulders and weighing 22 tonnes?
Granny Has the Moves
The music plays, a young girl in a bikini dances, then Granny comes along and shows her up.
Australia
Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?
Because Australia won the coin toss
New-Wave and Old-School
Carlin's best routine ''New Age but Old School'' redone, remixed, and set to music.
Water is used in rice fields to prevent weeds. Rice doesn't actually need that much water, but since it can thrive in such conditions, whereas weeds cannot, it's a natural protection against them.
Tossed about on the Waves
At almost 300 foot this ship is designed to handle some of the largest waves the Atlantic can throw at it. But even while it survives waves. It looks like the toy being tossed about in a bathtub..
Meatloaf Underwear
My wife bought a pair of 'Meatloaf Underwear' yesterday.
On the front it says, "I Will do Anything For Love" ...and on the back it says, "but I Won't do That."
Dating Preference by Race
Results from the app ''Are You Interested'', which allows clients to click ''yes'' if they find a person attractive or take the option of skipping to the next profile page.
About 500 meteorites hit the Earth each year. The largest recent known meteorite was found at Grootfontein in Namibia, southwest Africa, in 1920. It measured 9 feet (2.75m) long and 8 feet (2.43m) wide.
Short Funnies
My friend e-mailed me today asking for a good website about the place to buy the best sausages. I sent him a couple of links
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If you're ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!
You Need A Baby
Have you got too much free time to kill? Have you got more money than you know how to spend? Worry not, this humorous video has a solution for you.
Russian Roulette
I tried to warn my friend about playing Russian roulette.
But it went in one ear and came out the other.
Kids On Dating Problems
Sounding oh so adult, some young ladies contemplate the reasons why the guy is playing hard to get.
Alligators are built for speed, not endurance. They can run up to 35 miles an hour — faster than most humans — but they are sprinters and can't keep up that pace for long.
War Is the Answer
A humorous comedy routine with a twist. Comedian makes the case that despite our numerous denials, war is the answer and to make her point she wishes everyone a happy Fourth of July.
The biggest alligator in the world (so far) was 15 feet 9 inches long and weighed in at 1,011.5 pounds. This gator was caught in Mill Creek, a tributary of a river in Alabama.
Moving Day
It's moving day and what better way to start out the day than wee nip to improve the spirits. Then again it looks like these fellows, struggling to get this couch up the road, may have had more than one wee nip.
An Engineer's love life
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, ''I like both.''
''Both?''
Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''
The Smoke Seller
A mysterious showman billing himself as a ''smoke seller'' visits a little village whose inhabitants initially seem less than interested in what he has to offer. But smoke and mirrors can make one believe for a little while..
Alligators don't hibernate, but they do go through a dormancy period during colder weather. Before going dormant, they dig out a "gator hole," which is a depression or tunnel in the mud.
You Are about to Experience
Bill Hanley's stand-up comedy routine from the late late show you're about to experience a great four minutes of comedy
In an Irish Bar
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A Rolling Ocean
In the north Atlantic storms can be fierce. Even a pretty good-sized ship can get tossed about on a rolling ocean. Imagine the odds of surviving a storm like this in a Viking ship.
Alligators are considered carnivores but have been known to eat fruit.
Peek-a-boo
Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?
He had to be put in the ICU.
Wheel of Death: Cirque du Soleil
Spellbinding circus acrobatics from Cirque du Soleil featuring the wheel of death.
The wars between Romans and Persians lasted about 721 years, the longest conflict in human history.
Nerf Nukes
Humorous parody of the real world nuclear arms race using Nerf weapons. Panic ensues when one of the kids on the block gets a nuclear Nerf weapon.
Bananas
Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
It’s true – when was the last time you ate a monkey?
Obligation to Be Sarcastic
As a comedian, Kerry enjoys coming to work because in her job she's allowed to be sarcastic. One could say it's even required.
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell." – Buddha
All the Education in the world won't help someone who can't think for themselves." – A.M. Sawyer
Nervous Alien
Exploring new worlds and contacting alien life can be exciting and scary. If you tend to be nervous this is probably not the career for you.
While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
...and then he made the earth round.
English Language
Husband: What's your most hated part of the english language?
Wife: The singular second person personal pronoun.
Husband: What?
Wife: YOU
Little Old Lady Kidnapper
This little old lady has a secret and when she asks for directions unsuspecting victims get pranked.
Currently less than 7% of the people surveyed think Congress is doing a good job. This is by far the lowest approval rate since they started taking surveys.
An Angry Ocean
Huge waves from Storm Henry strike the west coast of Ireland. Hard to get a perspective from the video but the cliffs are 65 foot tall and those are 30 foot waves.
Quick Thinking
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No Mam'. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
The top six foods that make your fart are beans, corn, bell peppers, cauliflower, cabbage and milk!
Honest University Commercial
Parody of all those University commercials that try and get you to come to their school.
Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
Alien Impostors
Aliens have invaded the Earth and disguised themselves to look like humans in this comedy skit. The question is how do you tell the aliens from real people. Our heroes have found a unique solution.
American alligators appeared about 84 million years ago, while their ancestors evolved more than 200 million years ago.
Alligators are more closely related to dinosaurs than to other modern reptiles.
Putting It on the Line
A humorous comedy routine expresses her opinion of why there are more male comedians than female comedians, and also what it's like trying to get back into the dating scene as an older woman.
A Few Phunnies
I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.
What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!
Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.
What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
Conan Visits A German Beach
Everything is blurred in this humorous perspective on the cultural differences between the way Americans and Germans approach nudity.
Worst Trainride Ever
His daughter is having her first period, and daddy is trying to be helpful, much to his fellow passengers dismay.
Geometry
I learned geometry.
It caused my life to take a 360 degree turn.
A Psychological Phenomenon called "The Backfire Effect" Causes a Person to Become More Convinced They Are Right When You Use Facts and Figures to Convince Them They Are Wrong
David Gborie Stand-Up
David doesn't understand love and when someone said that she didn't deserve love, this comedian built a humorous monologue around those comments.
Chemists do it too...
Chemists do it organically and inorganically.
Electro-chemists do it with greater potential.
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
Pharmaceutical chemists do it with drugs.
Analytical chemists do it with precision and accuracy.
The framers felt that the House of Representatives, as the only body at that time directly elected by the people, should have the initial control of the money flow in government.
Toward the end of a Congressional session you will see the Continuing Resolutions (CR's) flowing like a flood as Congress often cannot get to Appropriations bills especially if they are contentious. Sometimes governmental departments will operate on a CR rather than an Appropriation for a considerable amount of time.
English Language
My three year old girl asked me "Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
According to ancient Greek literature, when Odysseus arrived home after an absence of 20 years, disguised as a beggar, the only one to recognize him was his aged dog Argos, who wagged his tail at his master, and then died.
Still Alive
Louis CK is another comedian that's feeling old. At 18 you can vote, at 21 you can drink, at 47 you can just keep doing whatever - no one cares.
A religious traitor
Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?
Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another
Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?
Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.
Throw the Tennis Ball
Is he rooting for the tennis player, or does he just wants someone to throw the tennis ball.
In Turkey, in the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death
In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear
In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.
In Israel, picking your nose is illegal.
Cat Friend - Dog Friend
If Your Friends Acted like Your Pets you would definitely think they are weird.
An elderly couple was sitting together in church..
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...
The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
Tom Dick and Harry
A funeral service is held for Thomas, Richard and Harold, or as they are better known; Tom Dick and Harry. Comedian Rowan Atkinson plays the part of the priest reviewing the lives and shortcomings of Tom Dick and Harry.
The blue whale (Balaenoptera musculus) reaching a maximum confirmed length of 29.9 metres (98 ft) and weighing up to 199 tonnes is the largest animal known to have ever existed.
Officer Huge
Female police officer has ridiculously huge um... assets that seem to get in the way of everything.
Odd Mask
Stopped by Starbucks and the barista was wearing an odd face mask.
Out of curiosity I asked "Did you make your mask?"
She said "No, it's a coughy filter."
Couples Therapy
Comedian's wife insists that they go to couples therapy and so for $250 an hour tells him they're going to play a game called total honesty.
Goldfish are so prevalent in the warm, shallow waters of western Lake Erie that it's now a commercial catch with over 146,800 pounds of goldfish netted in 2021.
Most Satisfying Video In The World
Have you ever seen something that for some unknown reason provides you with a sense of peace and happiness? Gears working in perfect synchronization, a cake frosted with absolute precision, marbles rolling so smoothly it hurts. Something that is just...satisfying? Well here's five solid minutes of that feeling.
Adopted a Dog.
I’ve just adopted a dog from a blacksmith
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
The Humans
The Sagan Series is an educational project working in hopes of promoting scientific literacy in the general population. Excerpts from the pale blue dot combined with current video in this the ninth of the Sagan series.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
Bear on a Wire
Bears are a lot more agile and acrobatic than most people would think, given their size.
Algae are sometimes considered plants and sometimes considered "protists" (a grab-bag category of generally distantly related organisms that are grouped on the basis of not being animals, plants, fungi, bacteria, or archaeans).
Best Friends
Dog stands by while a little boy takes a break from walking the dog to play in a puddle.
A Baby
A little boy goes up to his pregnant mom, points at her fat belly and says, what’s that?
Startled, she says that’s a baby your daddy gave me.
The little boy goes to find his dad and asks if he gave his mother a baby.
He replies yes, why do you ask?”
I came to tell you she just ate it!
Screwing With A property Scammer
This comedian has a reputation for being willing to mess with people who are difficult to deal with, or are in a minor position of authority.
In 1784 Henery Shrapnel invented a hollow cannon ball that would be filled with shot and gun powder,and exploded over the enemies
Leakey Statue
A hidden camera prank; the victim is asked to put their finger on a leak only to discover an additional leak
The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.
The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.
The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.
The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.
How to deal with a Cat in Heat
Here's a simple trick to calm down your annoying cat in heat for an hour or two. Or get her fixed it's expensive and they are happier and less annoying.? A humorous video that includes more information than most people want to know about their cat.
If the veins, arteries, and capillaries from the circulatory system of an average person were laid end-to-end, they would measure more than 60,000 miles long.
Adam Yenser - The Economy
The unemployment rate hit an eight year low - does it feel like it? Or does it feel like everyone is driving for Uber. .
Electrician
I asked an electrician to fix an electrical problem at my house
He refused.
iPhone
A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive
"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."
Blue Whale Feeding Behavior
Scientists captured some rare blue whale feeding behavior from a research drone showing how they make choices about what's worth eating.
Common chimpanzees kiss with open mouths, but not with their tongues. Bonobos, the most intelligent of primates, do kiss with their tongues.
What We Have in Common
We always hear about what makes us different. Here are a few things that we have in common
The New CEO.
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
We Live in Sensitive Times
We live in sensitive times, and those in power use that to shield themselves by redirecting any criticism to the ethnic group they represent.
Sir Isaac Newton is widely credited as being a pioneer (if not necessarily the original inventor) of the cat flap, having cut a hole in his study door so that his cat would stop disturbing him while he was working.
Asian American Problems
Sierra Katow will go out of her way to prove how Asian she is. Humorous dialog about mixed Asian culture trying to adapt to American culture.
Park Bench Games
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.
The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling at you, I'm smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets, there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man"
The girl replies "awwwww you sweet old man" leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says "3 to zip Old Fart, It's your turn".
Hot Sister
Guys are naturally a little awkward when hot women. It is doubly awkward when that hot woman is your sister .
In the 14th Century alone, the Black Death is estimated to have killed 200 million people. That's roughly the population of Brazil.
Why do animals have such different lifespans?
Anyone who has outlived a favorite pet has probably wondered why life spans are so different. The average life of a dog is 10-13 years, but for the worm C. elegans, life is just a few short weeks.
Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase ” The Rule of the Thumb”.
Shappi the Box Ticker
A female comedian of Persian descent, her acerbic wit humorously delivered, gives people a reason to laugh at cultural differences and puts them at ease.
Anticipated Traffic
The fact that there is only a stairway to heaven...
But a highway to hell says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers
Big Splash
Might want to back up a bit just in case that big tank going through the mud hole splashes
The sun contains more than 99.8% of the total mass of the Solar System.
Karl Johan: Limbo time!
A funny prank in which no one gets hurt but a little embarrassed. A hilariously funny video.
Love My Job
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer.
“All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep.
“What did you say?” challenged the farmer.
The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”
Heavy Equipment Demolition Derby
In a disagreement over a construction contract, tensions escalated into a heavy machinery demolition derby, that left at least two Wheel Loaders flipped over in a street.
The average women in Bolivia, Indonesia, and Guatemala is short enough to be considered a Dwarf (4'10 or under).
Lycett at the Apollo
Some comedians had the ability to tell you about everyday events and have you rolling with laughter. This is one of those comedians. Listen as he takes to the stage at the Apollo and tells us about his trip to the mall.
Love My Job
What Do You Call A Schizophrenic Nun?
Psycho-sis
Normally I avoid Nun jokes. They're habit forming.
Bizarrely Beautiful Ocean Creatures
An intimate and hypnotizing look at aquatic life through beautiful time-lapses at a magnified perspective. This up-close look brings you into the world of corals, sea stars, and other marine creatures that seem almost otherworldly. .
In Amsterdam
I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.
Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.
Monkeys and Alcohol
"It turns out that humans are not the only primates with a taste for alcohol and in monkey society without our morals, the results are hilarious.
Common chimpanzees kiss with open mouths, but not with their tongues. Bonobos, the most intelligent of primates, do kiss with their tongues.
Ready for White Friends
Ralph in this humorous comedy monologue says he is ready to have white friends, and he is not talking about the white people that act black.
We're All Ears
One thing you can say about the NSA (National Security Agency)
...it's one of the few parts of government that actually listens to the voters
Special Victims Unit Mulvaney
You can get away with saying anything you want on TV as long as you know how to phrase it in technical terms.
“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” (Aristotle)
“Love, A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” (Ambrose Bierce)
Artisan Coffee Shops and Snap-Frames
We have way too many artisan coffee shops, according to this comedian. And supporting local artists doesn't mean anything if the art is crappy.
Infant blue whales grow by about 90kg (198 pounds) a day.
Comedian Buys his Racist Uncle Weed
A humorous story about an older relative, that begins by explaining that his wife is black, and that her uncle who teaches black history is obsessed with racism, and still says the most racist stuff.
In Amsterdam
I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on women working in the oldest profession.
Unfortunately, I stopped for a coffee in one of their famous cafés and my plans went to pot.
Parking Police
What do you do when a couple of cops in speedos give you a parking ticket for being on the beach too long.
There are more insects in three square miles of rural land than there are human beings in the world.
There are more bacteria in your mouth than there are people in the world.
Too Many Babies
Too many people in the world according to this comedian. Trailer parks and counsel flats are filling up with miracle babies.
An Organization Is Like a Tree Full of Monkeys
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys.
Some are climbing up. Some are climbing down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a bunch of a**holes.
Homemade Air-stream
Handyman extraordinaire, Red Green shows you how to make your very own Airstream travel trailer using nothing more than used appliances, an old boat trailer, and lots of duct tape.
A lady named Feodor Vassilyev has given birth to 69 children.
Greatest Motorcycle Race
Road Racing on the Isle of Man with speeds hitting 206mph over a 38 mile road circuit
Second Page of Google
If you ever want to hide something...
Put it on the second page of Google.
Aisling Bea Standup Comedy
After a recent bout of stomach pain, this comedian finds herself in front of an exceptionally handsome doctor - with whom she would really like to go on a date.
Dinosaurs lived on Earth for 150 million years. We've been around for just 0.1% of that time.
Too Much Time on My Hands
With way too much time on his hands has gone through everything Netflix has to offer
Quick Thinking
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No Mam'. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Closer
Something terrifying is happening to the Earth. Luke and Sarah, unaware of the danger, are just worried about having a passionate offhand camping weekend. Two unexpected guests will ruin their plans..
In 2011, a man was arrested in Sweden for splitting an atom in his kitchen.
The Rope Trick
The humorous rope trick from comedian and magician Mac King is his signature sketch. Watch closely and try to figure out how he manages to keep cutting the rope and still have only one piece of rope.
Why ask Why
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Is Your Dog Depressed
Is your dog depressed? Are you dressing him and funny costumes that ruin his self esteem?
A Few Phunnies
I'm really enjoying my lasso classes, even though I got roped into it.
What do you call a ghost's mother and father? Transparents!
Why don't people live in toadstools? Cause there isn't mushroom.
What's a metaphor? For cows to graze on.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved
If you want to know how many bees Noah had… check the Ark Hives
Down Below
Up above the winds are blowing and waves are crashing into the boat. Down below they are trying to find their sea legs.
When We Were First Dating
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie... Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.
Waves Over the Cabin Window
Caught in a hurricane anthem of the seas rides it out with huge waves hitting above the cabin windows on the lower deck.
Currently less than 6% of the people surveyed think Congress is doing a good job. This is by far the lowest approval rate since they started taking surveys.
Impossible Nail Trick
Ever seen these little novelty woodworking pieces and wondered how they got the nail in the wood.
Intelligence is the first thing
A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman," he says to the bartender.
"Because if she doesn't have that, I just might have a chance."
Auto Check-Out
Bill Burr humorously points out that self checkouts allow us to work without receiving any pay ...or even a discount
Elephants rarely get cancer because they have 40 copies of genes that code for the tumor suppressor protein p53—humans have two.
Funny Image Focus
A businessman wants a photo with his attractive secretary. He asks strangers to take a photo but every single image ends up with a close up picture of her cleavage.
A lonely frog
Stuff
Everybody has stuff. In this humorous comedy monologue George Carlin points out the absurdity of how attached we are to our stuff..
A modern Formula 1 car produces g force of 3.5 which means it can drive upside down in a tunnel at 120mph.
The world’s first speeding ticket was issued in 1902 for traveling a blistering 45mph.
Growing up Italian
A humorous comedy monologue on what it's like to grow up Italian in New York City. Why fight the stereotype, you're just going to disappoint people better to play a role and leave people laughing.
Deep Thoughts About Fishing
There really only two kinds of fishermen, Sport fishermen and those who catch fish.
Do fishermen live in the reel world?
Is it true that if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day but if you teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day?
Who edits fishing shows? How do they decide what's too boring?
Why do fish grow fastest between the time they're caught and the bar in port?
Why is it that nothing increases the size of a fish like fishing all by yourself?
Why is it that you never see a fish mounted on a wall with it's mouth shut?
Wouldn't living be easier if men showed as much patience at home as they do when they're fishing?
The longest living animal is a 11,000 years old sponge.
Stupid Hot
Mary Lynn Rajskub just wants to be stupid hot. At any cost. She's tired of being a woman with just enough looks to get the job done.
Weird World
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
The 10 most spoken languages in the world are Mandarin Chinese, English, Spanish, Hindi, Arabic, Bengali, Russian, Portuguese, Japanese, German and French, in that order.
A Nice Glass of Beer
What could be better on a hot dry day than a nice cool refreshing glass of beer. Two older gentlemen in this humorous sketch visit a pub for a bit of refreshment, but from there it takes a humorously dark twist.
The Right Answer
A kid comes home and proudly announces to his parents, "Mom, dad, the teacher asked the class a question today and I was the only one who knew the right answer!"
The parents are very happy and ask, "That's amazing son! What was the question?"
Sticking out his chest, he says, "Who farted?"
Lighter Side of Suicide
It's hard to imagine humor and suicide going together, but George Carlin pulls it off in a humorous comedy monologue about suicide.
Two things are infinite: the universe and stupidity of people. And I'm not sure about the first one. - Albert Einstein
I can't believe that the same God who has gifted us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forget how to use them. - Galileo
A Trip to the Library
I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...
So I took a trip to the library to see if they had a copy.
The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Workplace Screw Ups
Goofs, screwup's, and failure to plan, all in the name of trying to get something done at work.
Scenes from a Hat Aisha
A humorous clip featuring Songs from the musical Aisha, which is not really a musical but is the name of the woman hosting the show.
A Good Time
A policeman pulled me over as I drove through the red-light district.
He said, "Looking for a good time were we, sir?"
I said, "Why, how much do you charge?"
Ahmed Bharoocha - Pakistani Uncle
Comedian Ahmed Bharoocha tells a humorous story about his Pakistani Uncle, who like most people, doesn't like hearing bad things about his country.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Taste in Men
Comedian says she's been noticing that there are some pretty hot homeless men in LA - either that or they're hipsters.
Sea otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't drift apart.
Swimming With Sharks
Catching a ride on the back of a great white shark is not for the faint of heart.
Autocorrect
The inventor of autocorrect has died.
His funnel is tomato. May he rust in piss.
British Wildlife
David Attenborough narrates some rather humorous mating rituals during a typical British night out.
The world’s first automobile the motorcar was developed by Karl Benz in 1885. The top speed of the motor car was 16 km per hour.
Karl Benz applied for a patent for his “vehicle powered by a gas engine” on January 29, 1886.
Tattoos You Don't Want to See
Tattoos can say a lot about people kind of like a person's car says a lot about a person. This improvisational comedy is all about tattoos that you don't want to see on people that you would like to date. .
Getting the Last Word
John and Bob were discussing their married lives. Although happily married to their wives, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
John said, "I've made one great discovery. I know how to always have the last word"
Wow!" said Bob, how did you manage that?
"It's easy, replied John, my last word is always "Yes, Dear".
Stewards of the Earth
If Christians were given dominion over the earth would God be pissed off at the way they have managed his creation.
Iquitos, Peru is the largest city in the world inaccessible by road. It's located deep in the Amazon rain-forest and has over 400,000 people.
Nail-Gun Trick
This Nail_Gun Trick is an illusion. If you've spent any time in construction, you can probably figure out how it was done.
Glue on my Pistol
I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.
She denied it but I'm sticking to my guns.
Laughing 100 times is equivalent to 15 minutes of exercise on a stationary bicycle.
Air Fishing
An entertaining segment on Fool Penn and Teller, featuring comedian and magician Mac King performing a magic skit called air fishing. A humorous magic routine that for some reason made his assistant Allison a bit nervous.
Hospital Stay
A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!
Dramatic Tornado Footage
What starts out as a sea spout over the ocean turns into a tornado as it comes ashore at Fort Walton Beach. This dramatic footage shows how quickly tornadoes can grow.
The '60s show Lost in Space takes place in 1997.
Mending the Roof - Surreal Version
The first scene in which Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles performed improvisational comedy was a skit about mending the roof. It turned out to be a very successful pairing.
How To Stop The Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.
On the Edge
Some people have no fear of heights. This video was shot by someone, probably an adrenaline junkie, who apparently has no fear of heights as he steps out on the ledge of a building.
Dogs can see in multi colors. It is not true that dogs only can see in Black and white colors. Dogs can see most colors but the intensity of the colors are not so vivid. Dogs can see yellow and blue colors but struggle with green and red colors. On the other hand their vision in night is much better than Humans.
Racism Insurance: Coverage for White Privilege
A humorous look at some of the things white people say when trying to bond with people of color. A comedy skit featuring racism insurance
An English Lesson - Direct Object
Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.
Marry a Mermaid
A marooned pilot is forced to marry one of three mermaids: Oceana, Aquaticana or Shud (Kate McKinnon) and her best friend Kunk (Scarlett Johansson).
During Prohibition, temperance activists hired a scholar to rewrite the Bible by removing all references to alcohol beverage.
James Smith Stand-Up
This comedian humorously compares relationships to being employed and is trying to decide whether he wants to be single or in a relationship.
Know the Difference
Know the Difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Red Wine and Hoops
Young lady tries to drink a glass of wine while simultaneously working the hula hoop.
Trivia is the Roman goddess of sorcery, hounds and… the crossroads.
Selfies in the Stands
Humorous commentary as a couple of announcers watch in amazement as a group of girls are fixated on their smart phones instead of watching the game..
Two Aliens are having a Conversation
After observing Earth two aliens are having a conversation.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have their weapons aimed at themselves."
Why Jellyfish Float Like a Butterfly - And Sting Like a Bee
Jellyfish don’t have a heart, or blood, or even a brain. They’ve survived five mass extinctions. And you can find them in every ocean, from pole to pole. What’s their secret? Keeping it simple, but with a few dangerous tricks..
The atoms inside large planets begin to compress so severely above a certain mass that adding more mass actually shrinks your planet.
This occurs in our Solar System, which explains why Jupiter has three times the mass of Saturn but is only 20% physically larger.
Manufactured Consensus
What is the role of media in today's connected world. Some would say to enlighten and inform, but pull back the curtain and you will find a different purpose.
Psychiatry Convention
I was at a ski resort durring a psychiatry convention.
I've never seen so many Freudians slip.
At The Barber
A man visits a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
As the Barber is finishing up, the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else."
Need a Man in My Life
Isn't Google great, that's free information, who needs college, yes this comedian appears to be a natural blonde.
French kissing involves all 34 muscles in the face. A pucker kiss involves only two
The science of kissing is called philematology
The insulting slang “kiss my ass” dates back at least to 1705
Underwater Odyssey of Art
Video documentary detailing the changes to the Silent Evolution installation and the process behind Jason deCaires Taylor works.
Any Books on Paranoia
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia
She whispered "They're behind you."
John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL
Host John Mulaney discusses his time as a Saturday Night Live writer and shares how he's gotten grumpier as he's gotten older.
The first self-propelled vehicle–Cugnot Fardier—was made by Nicolas-Joseph Cugnot in 1769. It was a steam-powered tricycle.
The world’s first IC engine–The Pyréolophore–was probably built by Nicephore Niepce in 1807. The inventor is also credited with the invention of photography.
The Man that Invented
The man that invented the Ferris wheel never met the man that invented the merry-go-round….
They traveled in different circles.
Scenes from a Hat Aisha
A humorous clip featuring Songs from the musical Aisha, which is not really a musical but is the name of the woman hosting the show.
It takes 18 tampons to soak up a whole can of campbells soup.
Glue and Curry
After visit to her favorite curry takeout Mrs. Brown finds it necessary to make frequent trips to the bathroom and is really stinking up the place.
There is a word for “the day after tomorrow” and “the day before yesterday”.
Ereyesterday means the day before yesterday and overmorrow means the day after tomorrow.
Flaming Idiot
A humorous comedy skit pointing out the difference between flaming homosexuals and normal homosexuals.
A Buddhist monk in New York
An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar
The first orders a pint of beer. The second half a pint, the third a quarter ad infinitum. The bartender just pours two pints and says "sort it out yourselves."
The Antarctic blue whale is the largest animal on the planet, weighing 400,000 pounds (181437 kilograms or approximately 32 elephants) and reaching 99 feet (approximately 30 meters) in length.
An adult whale consumes about 6,900 pounds (3000 kilograms) of krill per day during the main foraging season.
Disappearing Car
Would you watch my car for a minute while I get a cup of coffee. A prank is played on unsuspecting victims.
Short Phunny Jokes
The road to ADHD is paved with bad attentions.
My wife left me because she said I'm addicted to oxymorons. She was pretty ugly anyway.
If I were a superhero, I'd want to be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Cable Service
If there is no alternative, then it is a monopoly and cable companies have you by the ba**s.
The Romans had built a road network of 53,000 miles by the early fourth century. Each Roman mile was about 4,800 feet and marked by a milestone, giving birth to the saying “All roads lead to Rome.”
Not Pregnant
Little Esther isn't pregnant. She just wants the attention. And unfortunately there's no morning-after pill for eating a dozen donuts.
Spreading the Word About Electricity
In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
TV's Most Famous Chair
TVs most famous chair these days from a humor and comedy standpoint is probably the red chair on the Norton show.
Spanish-Jewish folklore recounts that Adam’s first wife, Lilith, became a black vampire cat, sucking the blood from sleeping babies. This may be the root of the superstition that a cat will smother a sleeping baby or suck out the child’s breath.
A husband Texts his Wife
A husband texts his wife after being involved in a severe accident. "Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Cathy brought me to the hospital.
They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very strong. It may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot."
Wife's Response: Who is Cathy?
My Dance Moves
Hilariously funny ventriloquism sketch by Nina Conti in which an audience is fitted with a dummy mask and asked to dance.
88% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.
Aparna Nancherla Stand-Up
According to Aparna, models are self-esteem pickpockets. Walk by one, and within seconds, you feel terrible.
Spreading BS
Two economists trying to learn about farm economy came across a pile of manure while walking through the pasture where the farmer used to keep his bulls.
The first economist says to the other “I’ll pay you $100 if you can pick up a handfull of manure and throw it over that fence.” The second economist throws the manure over the fence and takes the $100.
As they continue walking they come across another pile of manure. The second economist turns to the first and says “I’ll pay you $100 if you can pick up a handfull of manure and throw it over this fence.” The first economist throws the manure over the fence and takes the $100.
After walking a little farther, the first economist looks at the second and says, "You know, I gave you $100 to sling manure, then you gave me back the same $100 to sling some manure. I can't help but feel like we both just sling manure for nothing."
"That's not true", responded the second economist. "We spread a little BS and increased the GDP by $200!"
Attenborough Narrates Hooligan Test of Strength
Sir David Attenborough, narrates an organized brawl between European football thugs.
The top layer of the Moon alone contains enough oxygen to sustain 8 billion people for 100,000 years
It's just not in a gaseous state. Instead, it's encased in regolith, a layer of rock and fine dust that covers the Moon's surface.
Clothes Make the Woman
That is what these advertisers would like you to believe in this funny video about a attractive granny.
Grammar Nazis
How many grammar nazis does it take to change a lightbulb.
Too
Nik Dodani - Man of Color
With none of the trappings of Indian culture, comic humorously recounts some of the disappointments of not living up to people's expectations.
Thoughts
A hermit was pulled over by the police and charged with recluse driving.
Watched an Olympic curling event yesterday. - I soon got swept up in the action.
It's tough doing inventories in Afghanistan. - due to the tally ban.
The Symphony Orchestra conductor threw a tempo tantrum.
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong. I mean it's not rocket surgery
Girl at a Bar - SNL
In this humorous sketch a young woman agrees to meet her friend at a bar for drinks, but gets there a little early and has to deal with a cast of losers.
Scientific research has shown that when bees are given cocaine, they start dancing more energetically than before, become prone to exaggerating when communicating with other bees, and often just lie to their hive-mates when telling them about food sources (using the bee communication method of 'waggle-dancing').
Caught Cheating Prank
Innocent men looking for a new clothes get a lot of grief when their wives and girlfriends notice red lipstick on their neck. When a sexy girl comes out of the change room with a smile, things get worse.
The Wedding Dress
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother, Sheila, had found the perfect dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her father's new young wife, Barb, had purchased the exact same dress! She asked Barb to exchange the dress, but Barb refused. "Absolutely not! I'm wearing this dress. I look like a million bucks in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, Sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
Two weeks later Jennifer and her mother went shopping and found another awesome dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You really don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, Dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
Russians
Why do Russians sound like they're talking backwards? Russell peters goes over some humorous examples of Russian words that sound like naughty words in English, and vice versa.
The FDA allows an average of 30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.
The vintage date on a bottle of wine indicates the year the grapes were picked, not the year of bottling.
To determine the percentage of alcohol in a bottle of liquor divide the proof by two.
Right of Way
Navy types can be notoriously stubborn lot, but they're not going to run her aground to prove a point.
Billy's Baseball Game
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
SWAT Recon - SNL
A SWAT mission is derailed as two officers assigned to watch the target get distracted by the target's unusual neighbors.
Scientists believe that hair evolved for different reasons; for example, curly hair kept people cool in warm climates while straight care kept them warm in cool climates.
Dilbert Managers.
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3 How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lond Lines Division)
Why Do We Keep Getting Married
Why do we keep getting married when the odds are strangely against success. A young Bill Burr humorously expounds on that thought, and compares it to skydiving..
The scientific study of dreams is known as Oneirology
The Ashanti, take dreams so seriously that they allow a husband to take action against another man if that man had an erotic dream about his wife.
Cheap Dates
Many Asians lack an enzyme in their biological makeup that helps them process alcohol and so become intoxicated fairly easily.
Why did the Cows Return
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
French Restaurant - Key & Peele
A man on a date overplays his hand when he suggests that he’s knowledgeable about French cuisine.
If Manhattan had the same population density as Alaska, only 28 people would live on the island.
"Dogs have masters. Cats have staff. " - Anonymous
Persian Girls
Max Amini knows a typical Persian girl when he meets one. And it's not just the nose job that gives it away..
One-liners
Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
I chose my gastroenterologist based on a gut feeling.
I took a picture of a field of wheat, but it turned out grainy.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gift.
First Rule of Camping: Start building the tent before you start drinking....
I studied water purification in college because I had a great thirst for knowledge.
Women Are Horrible Story Tellers
The set starts out with the comedian asking for a show of hands from the guys whose woman tells wonderful stories. .
The system of democracy was introduced 2 500 years ago in Athens, Greece.
Things You Can Say about a Shoe
Improv comedy sketch called things you can say about a shoe but not about your girlfriend or significant other. A humorous series called scenes from hat in that they pull ideas suggested from the audience for improvisational comedy..
Poor Rabbit
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
Flowers and Young Love
Another humorous prank in which a young man with a bouquet of flowers is waiting for the girl of his dreams.
George Carlin On Ethnic Pride
Comedian makes the case that pride should be reserved for accomplishments, instead of an accident of birth.
Personal Ads By Seniors In Florida
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Levi's Wokes - SNL
Introducing Wokes, sizeless, style-neutral, gender non-conforming denim for a generation that defies labels. A humorous comedy skit that pushes back against people's unwillingness to accept descriptions. This comedy sketch makes fun of people who get triggered over everything.
Recycling one aluminum can saves enough energy to run a TV for three hours!
The energy saved from recycling one glass bottle will light a 100 watt bulb for 4 hours.
Plastic bottles take 700 years before they begin to decompose in a landfill.
Cruise Ship Caught in a Bomb Cyclone
The New Year's Cruise with 4,000 passengers was caught in a violent winter storm. Although the ship is capable of handling such a storm, the ship was constantly rolling for 3 days.
Way Out West
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well," the sheriff answers, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'," replies the sheriff.
All modern horses 'are descended from one herd tamed 6,000 years ago in the Russian plains' .
The Best Sleight Of Hand
French magician, performs impressive, and humorous magic with only balls and cups.
Dealing with Difficult People
When dealing with difficult people you should not try to speak with them on their level, according to this comedian, you should try out weird them.
Shaved Down There
My wife came out of the bathroom and with a twinkle in her eye, said “I just shaved down there and you know what that means don't you”
With a knowing nod, I said “Yep sure do - the drain is clogged again!”
Jimmy's Insults | 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown
Check out Jimmy Carr's best insults from Countdown including some humorous swipes at Bill Bailey, Johnathon Ross, and Rachael Riley.
If you trace your family tree back 25 generations, you will have 33,554,432 direct ancestors – assuming no incest was involved.
If you save one penny and double it every successive day, (day two you have 2 pennies and day three you have 4 pennies, and so on), by the end of 30 days you’ll have $5,368,708!
Blessed are the Cracked!
Blessed are the Cracked, for They Let in the Light!
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Hunting With Bubba
Nothing wrong with someone just doing what he's told to do, but Bubba is not the brightest bulb in the house.
The word 'Buddha' is a title, which means 'one who is awake', in the sense of having ' woken up to reality '.
Ugly People Get stuff Done
Comedian humorously observes that while corporate media features lots of beautiful people dancing around it's the ugly people that get stuff done.
Truth from a Politician
What can we expect from a politician if we ask him to tell "Truth, only the truth and nothing but the truth"?
Three different answers...
Magician Undressing Cop Prank
Tip of the day: Never mess with a magician. They always have a trick up their sleeves! And entertaining prank as a magician's accomplice in a police uniform tips viewers as to how the magician is performing his tricks.
Syria was once a major centre for weaving and grading in textiles. Damascus weavers mastered the ancient technique for weaving patterns into cloth - Damask which has become very famous.
Thoughts And Prayer's
Anthony Jeselnik 'Thoughts And Prayer's addresses social media narcissism during tragedies like the Paris terrorist attack or the Aurora shooting. There are places to offer real support, and they are not hard to find.
Short Quizz
The most important question from the career placement test given to all applicants for a Military Commission.
It went: "Rearrange the letters: P – N – E – S – I :to spell out an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect."
All those who spelled SPINE became Doctor's, the rest went to Basic Training.
Vote for Me
It's political silly season and this is an oldie, but not much has changed. We look at the politicians parading in front of the cameras, trying to get our vote, and wonder why we cannot do better. Well at least that's what I'm wondering.
Every winter around one septillion snowflakes fall from the sky! That is one with 24 zeros following it!
Delivering Babies
Two storks are sitting in their nest, a father stork and his son. The son is asking his father where his mother went. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
"Bringing babies?" the son asked.
"That's right," the father replied. "That's our job."
"Wow! I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next night, it's the father's turn to make deliveries.
"Is Dad delivering babies too?" the son asked.
"That's right," the mother answered. "He's bringing new joy to mommies and daddies."
"I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next day, the father and mother discussed it and decided the son could make a delivery. "We're going to let you try," the father said to his son. "This is what you do. The baby will be wrapped in cloth. Hold the cloth in your beak like this. Then you just deliver it to the proper location. Can you do that?"
"I can!" the son replied. They sent him on his way.
Hours passed and the son still had not come back. The parents were getting worried.
He finally came back. "What took you so long?" the mother asked. "Did you make the delivery?"
"Yes," the son replied. "Sorry I took so long. I was just having some fun scaring college students!"
Gay Man Cheating with Woman Prank
In this prank a woman almost gets caught cheating with a gay man by his lover, will the other customers help her hide.
One seventeenth-century Massachusetts husband was put in stocks alongside his adulterous wife and her lover because the community reasoned she wouldn’t have strayed if her husband had been fulfilling is marital obligations.
First Day as President - Old Faces But Nothing Has Changed
A humorous comedy sketch the makes the assumption no matter which candidate wins there is a grand plan that they must follow. .
What’s an Echo?
Son: ''Dad, What’s an echo?''
Father: ''An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word.''
Diving Fool
Chevy Chase may have had Larry Griswold in mind when he used the name Griswold in National Lampoon's ''Vacation''.
Baboons are the loudest, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.
The proper collective noun for a group of baboons is a Congress.
One-Line Whit.
Just bought a new German electric car. It's a Voltswagen.
An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.
Some people make funeral pottery to urn a living.
I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.
I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Comedy with Chelsea Peretti
In addition to performing as a standup comedy Chelsea Peretti works as a writer on ''Parks and Recreation''.
The Kama Sutra was written by Mallanga Vatsyayana, who was rumored to be celibate.
Political BS Detector
Since the politicians have been known to stretch the truth a bit, we thought this video might help. How can you tell when a politician is lying?
"A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider to be God-fearing and pious.'' -- Aristotle, 343 B.C.
''Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.''--Seneca
''Religion is what keeps the poor man from murdering the rich.'' - Napoleon Bonaparte
There are 93 million Wangs in China, is the most popular name in the country.
The Hot Chick
When a hot girl comes into the store to buy computer parts, the sales assistants lose their voices and their minds. A humorous comedy sketch showing what happens when a beautiful woman comes into the room and tongue-tied guys try to keep it together.
Banking Problems Hit Japan
Recently the Origami Bank has folded, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, over 500 employees at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank.
Teacher Trial with Ronda Rousey - SNL
A student is forced to testify against his teacher in this humorous comedy sketch about forbidden relationships.
After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. Berserk means “bear shirt” in Norse, and hence the term To go Berserk.
Not As Planned
Some guys are out to help their friend meet the girl of his dreams. But they get the surprise of their lives.
How Government Works
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.
"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the WhiteHouse official and whispers, "$2,700." The government official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys!
How did you come up with such a high figure? "The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.
""Done!" replies the government official.
...and that, is how government works.
Penn & Teller: The Magic Dollar
Magician Adam Wilber fools Penn & Teller in an entertaining bit of magic where he has a guy sign a one dollar bill which he turns into a one hundred bill complete with signature.
The USA has more tornadoes than any other country in the world, averaging around 1200 a year.
Dicken’s Cider
Several humorous lines from the Dickens cider company that were used in their commercials. Even given some random people got in on the act. Even better, added to the end of this video is a bloopers reel.
First Braille Horror Story
Started reading my first Braille horror story.
I think that something scary is about to happen.
I can feel it.
It Doesn't Get Better
For most kids in high school, the future promises better days. But for a certain group, there’s no time like the past.
Your body is creating and killing 2 million red blood cells per second!
A Unique Sense of Style
Maggie May goes for unique sense of style so she gets called quirky or sassy but what does that really mean.
Getting Old
Old man: "I feel just like a newborn baby - no hair , no teeth, and I think I just shit my pants."
Two old ladies in church. One whispers: "I think my butt is falling asleep." The other says: "I know. I've heard it snore three times already."
Did you hear about the old lady who entered a contest for most prominent veins? She didn't win, but she came varicose.
Securing a Porta-potty
Our soldiers should be commended for their actions. Someone could have left a stink bomb in there.
Americans spend an average of US$1,096 on coffee each year.
When Your Fly Is Open
Everyone is embarrassed about the subject, so no one says anything when your fly is open.
A Real Man
A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never Thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, Seductive, and invincible.
No wait... I'm thinking of wine.
OJ Commercial
Did you know that serving your children the wrong orange juice can lead to a life of crime.
Lightning strikes the earth about 8 million times a day.
Super Storm Cell Timelapse
A rotating supercell storm. And not just a rotating supercell, but one with insane structure and amazing movement.
My Dad Scribbles
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Comedian Invites Hecklers
Comedian Chris Gordon invites the audience to heckle him, and using a prop insult book he responds accordingly. Wearing a bright animal shirt is like wearing a target.
Brains in love and brains in lust are not identical. Erotic photos activate the hypothalamus (which controls hunger and thirst) and the amygada (arousal) areas of the brain.
Love activates areas of the brain with a high concentration of receptors for dopamine (associated with euphoria, craving, and addiction) and its relative, norepinephrine
Esther Povitsky doing Hilarious Stand-up
This comedian has discovered that she ranks well in the Midwest on the attractiveness scale, middle-of-the-road on the East Coast, and as a cocker spaniel on the West Coast.
“Once a government is committed to the principle of silencing the voice of opposition, it has only one way to go, and that is down the path of increasingly repressive measures, until it becomes a source of terror to all its citizens and creates a country where everyone lives in fear.”
-- President Harry Truman
During Prohibition, temperance activists hired a scholar to rewrite the Bible by removing all references to alcohol beverage.
Protect Yourself with Censorship
Dangerous realities and truths attack our everyday lives. Fear Not - censorship is here to protect us. This short, humorously informative piece, explains in detail how censorship can save you from having to think on your own.
Scaring Men
Scaring men is easy
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is.
The Art of the Gag
Before Wes Anderson and Jackie Chan, there was Buster Keaton, one of the founding fathers of visual comedy.
‘Bitch the pot' was 19th-century slang for ‘pour the tea'.
Grandmother Gets a Tattoo
A funny story from a grandmotherly person on her one and only tattoo experience.
Short Jokes
Where was the first chicken fried?
In Greece.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Changing Identities
A humorous prank using a brother and sister that closely resemble each other to change gender while an unsuspecting person holds the door.
It takes about five hours for sunlight to reach Pluto. It takes eight minutes to reach Earth
Ferry Crash
Shortly after leaving the docks this very lost power to the control room, which left the engine at speed and no way to steer.
Fairy Tales
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "
"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected."
Butter Stick
This love song from a trio of comedians, and an embarrassed young lady, will leave you laughing.
Six billion steps of DNA are contained in a single cell. This DNA can be stretched six feet, but it is coiled up in the cell's nucleus, which measures only 1/2500 of an inch in diameter.
Returning a Rental Car
What happens when you don't have time to make your flight and return your rental car?
Set it Free.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Children on an Airplane
Bill tells a humorous story about a flight where he's trying to get some sleep parents decide to let their child run free.
In 1990, Stephen Hawking dropped his wife of almost 30 years --who was having an affair-- and took off with his nurse.
Last Call
Its last call and as the last two patrons find themselves attracted to each other, the bartender finds himself in need of a bottle of eye bleach.
Taking a Bath
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Not yet," she replied.
The flag erected on the Moon during the historic Apollo 11 landing was purchased at a local Sears store for US$5.50.
Jimeoin
Making people laugh at the Sydney comedy Festival by pointing out the absurdities of life. You might want to get your teeth out for some of this observational comedy.
Win the Laziest Man
What do you get when you win the laziest man in the world contest?
Atrophy.
Comedy and Magic
From Japan comes a hilarious magic and comedy act give it a watch. I think you'll enjoy
As a result, on May 8 that year, the first Coca-Cola in the world was sold.
Limp Meets Limp
Comedy stand-up routine on limp hand shakers. What happens when two limp and shakers meet .
Husband finds a Photo of Himself
Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse
Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Did You Honk At Me
As two attractive working girls walk past a stopped car, a horn goes off. But it's a set up to catch people's reactions.
2% of the world's currency is physical cash. The other 98% of the money in the world only exists on computer hard drives.
Farm Excursion
Mother: David, did you enjoy the farm excursion?
David: Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f**kers.
Mother: Errr, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f**kers?
David: Oh, they're the animals that give us milk.
Mother: But who said they were called, er, f**kers?
David: That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers", but we all knew what she meant.
The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' depicts two women living under one roof'.
New Restaurant
I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.
Kids meals will be available for $150
When It's Fall in the South
Fall is our favorite week of the year. Happy fall, y'all! In some parts of the world fall season means time to get your jackets out, and make sure your heating system is working properly. In the South it just means it's going to be less hot
One-liners - From a Woman's Point of View
Behind every successful woman is herself
Oh my god, I think I’m becoming the man I wanted to marry!
Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels
A woman is like a tea bag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career
So many men, so few who can afford me
Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time
Human tongue: Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Where'd Your Money Go? - SNL
Welcome to 'Where did the Money Go', where we try to teach financial security to some of the world's most ignorant millionaires.
How many mystery writers...
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two! One to screw it almost all the way in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
The Discoverers
How did continents and countries get their names? This humorous sketch will give you some idea.
The U.S. has both the largest prison population and the highest rate of incarceration in the world, including China and Russia.
Live Report - Sinkhole
A reporter's broadcast from the site of a sinkhole gets off-topic when he interviews a beautiful woman (Margot Robbie) and her unimpressive husband.
Two Typos
There are two typos of people in the world...
... those who proofread, and those who don't.
Centered
Wes Anderson’s focus on parallels and his penchant for centering his subjects in his films is documented in this video short.
In the on-line dating world, women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone “fat.”
"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. " - Harry S. Truman
In 1954, archaeologists excavating an 8th-century Viking settlement in Sweden found a Buddha statuette from India.
Okay to sleep with Mom
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I entered my bed-room about 2 A.M., I found my two children, apparently scared by the loud storm, in bed with my wife, Karen. That night I resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.
After my next trip, Karen and the children picked me up in the airport terminal. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said excitedly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" my son shouted.
The airport became very quiet as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area for his Mom.
War - What What is it Good For?
A little commentary from George Carlin on one of the things we do best.
Human breast milk, in addition to it's nutritional content, contains sugars (oligosaccharides) intended to feed intestinal bacteria.
Trying to Pack for Vacation
Her 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, the mother reached out and stuck the daughter's fingers in her mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them, before she rushed out of the room again.
When she returned, the daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face. The mother said, "What's wrong honey?"
Sad and broken up she looked at her mother and said, "Mommy, where's my booger?"
It's so Soft
Dulcé knows you can see her bra, but she paid a lot of money for that bra and she WANTS you to see.
For 20 years of its almost 248-year orbit, Pluto is closer to the sun than Neptune because of its off-center and highly inclined orbit.
On Pluto, the sun rises and sets about once a week.
Nosey Pepper
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business.
Jodi Miller - Camera Phones
Jodi Miller imagines how guys sent dirty pictures before camera phones in this humorous stand-up comedy routine. Why do guys take so many pictures of the private parts? .
The world record for the farthest flight by a paper aircraft is 226.8 feet (69.1 meters).
The American Dream
George Carlin seems to have been accurate in his last performance when it comes to predicting the future of the American economy.
Experiments have shown that male rhesus macaque monkeys are willing to pay for the privilege of looking at pictures of female rhesus macaques' bottoms. ('Paying', in this case, means giving up a certain amount of fruit juice in return for brief glimpses at pictures of sexually interesting lady monkeys.)
Black Holes
Black Holes is a satirical animated series about space conquest, the meaning of life and proctology. It chronicles the journey of Dave on the first ever human mission to Mars..
It was a Beautiful Day
As it was a beautiful day, a woman decided to stretch out on a park bench and soak up the sun.
After ten minutes, a down-and-out wino came over to her and said: "Hi gorgeous. How about you and I get together?".
"How dare you? replied the woman. "I'm not some cheap pick-up!"
"No?" said the wino. "Then what are you doing in my bed?"
Affording Fancy Workout Clothes
Comedian Cristela has found a surefire way to lose weight - just switch to the metric system.
Teacher Trial with Ronda Rousey - SNL
A student is forced to testify against his teacher in this humorous comedy sketch about forbidden relationships.
Confucius Say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don't let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
Humorous Irish Funeral Custom
It's tradition that the first person to be buried in the graveyard gets to enter heaven that day. But everyone else who is buried on the same day must wait until the following day to enter heaven.
Cocaine raises dopamine levels by 250%, compared to 100% from sex and 50% from food.
Julie Kim at the Winnipeg Comedy Festival
Comedian Julie Kim has discovered that setups by friends aren't always awesome, but they do let you know thatt your friends think you're not as attractive as you think.
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
The energy in the sunlight we see today started out in the core of the Sun 30,000 years ago
What Even Matters Anymore - SNL
Contestants compete on What Even Matters Anymore, hosted by Veronica Elders (Jessica Chastain). It seems our current Chief of Staff is able to brush off just about any crisis, and this is driving some people up the wall.
Vegan
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting.”
I said, “People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer.”
I'm Triggered
I'm Triggered features two roommates who use psychology to discuss 'triggering' issues. And it sounds as ridiculous as it is.
The flag erected on the Moon during the historic Apollo 11 landing was purchased at a local Sears store for US$5.50.
Terrorists vs Indians
Canadians have been asked not to smile for their passport photo in an attempt to catch terrorists. But why - terrorists never smile.
The Test
Interviewer said, “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!”
The candidate thought for a while and said, “My choice is one really difficult question.”
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!” said the interviewer.
Here is your question: “What comes first, day or night?”
The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness of the answer to that one question. He thought for a while and said, “It’s day, sir!”
“How?” the interviewer asked.
“Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a second difficult question!”
Moral: Technical skill is the mastery of complexity, while creativity is the mastery of simplicity.
Using Day Labor
Recently Al bought a house at the height of the real estate boom, so to save money is trying to be a do-it-yourselfer and that provides plenty of comedy material.
Coconut water can be used (in emergencies) as a substitute for blood plasma.
Butter Stick
This love song from a trio of comedians, and an embarrassed young lady, will leave you laughing.
New Restaurant
I'm thinking about opening a new restaurant and naming it peace and quiet.
Kids meals will be available for $150
Last Call
Its last call and as the last two patrons find themselves attracted to each other, the bartender finds himself in need of a bottle of eye bleach.
The word “nightmare” derives from the Anglo-Saxon word mare, meaning demon; which is related to the Sanskrit mara, meaning destroyer.
Did You Honk At Me
As two attractive working girls walk past a stopped car, a horn goes off. But it's a set up to catch people's reactions.
Wisdom
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Esther Povitsky doing Hilarious Stand-up
This comedian has discovered that she ranks well in the Midwest on the attractiveness scale, middle-of-the-road on the East Coast, and as a cocker spaniel on the West Coast.
"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog. " - Harry S. Truman
The Art of the Gag
Before Wes Anderson and Jackie Chan, there was Buster Keaton, one of the founding fathers of visual comedy.
The rock at the summit of Mount Everest is marine limestone and would have been deposited on the sea-floor around 450 million years ago.
Black Jeopardy with Chadwick Boseman
Shanice , Rashad and T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman) compete on Black Jeopardy, hosted by Darnell Hayes (Kenan Thompson). Two people from the hood, and one person from an imaginary world.
A Cop Calls for Backup
A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.
This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir! - The floor is still wet.
Tesla Before Elon: The Untold Story
Founded as Tesla Motors, Tesla Inc. was incorporated in July 2003 by Martin Eberhard and Marc Tarpenning, both of whom played active roles in the company's early development prior to and after Elon Musk's involvement.
The 3 most common first languages in the world are Mandarin Chinese, Spanish and English in that order
English is the most common second language.
Navajo Wisdom…
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a recorder
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.
So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:
"Watch out for these people. They have come to steal your land."
What you get With Basic Life
There are a lot of awesome things you get with a basic life. Stand up comedy from Louis Ck.
An African adult elephant eats about six hundred pounds of food a day.
Wisdom
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Changing Euphemisms
The English language has evolved to describe traumatic and offensive terms in a much more benign way. Descriptions such as shell-shocked, were replaced with terms like post traumatic stress disorder, which don't relate the severity of the trauma.
One-Line Whit.
An optometrist is running for mayor. He has a clear vision for the city.
I lost the worm from my hook, but continued to fish unabaited.
I always take the high road… because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If Alexa was Southern
The future is here, y'all. And it's available in burlap and reclaimed barn wood. If you want something say please, and if you get it say thank you, and for goodness sake ya'll mind your manners.
The oldest surviving love poem till date is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians around 3500 BC.
Meeting Molly
Rene Garcia shares a humorous story about his first time meeting molly. Coming from a strict military family background he doesn't get out much. .
A Number Of..
I love the expression "A Number Of..." because it doesn't mean anything
"A number of " Victoria's Secret models have expressed an interest in sleeping with me
Unfortunately, that number is zero!
Daughters to the Airport Bathroom
This comedian is a divorced father of two daughters, and as he tells it kids don't give much warning when they need to use the bathroom.
People with relatively prudent and reliable partners tend to perform better at work, earning more promotions, making more money, and feeling more satisfied with their jobs, according to research.
Alien Paternity Test
A talk show host reveals the paternity of a baby from a human-extraterrestrial relationship.
Free Drinks
Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up... One minute prior to take-off, by our catering service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 64 passengers on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we have 38 dinners available."
A Guy Walks Into A Bar - Message
An attractive young lady walks up to the bartender and asks ''could you give the manager a message please''.
The FDA allows an average of 30 or more insect fragments and one or more rodent hairs per 100 grams of peanut butter.
A Most Complicated Word
Finnish comedian Ismo thought "ass" just meant "butt." But that’s just the tip of assberg. Learning the language is one thing but learning the nuances is quite another lesson. Ismo recounts some of his humorous mistakes and trying to understand the nuances.
The world's heaviest man weighed in at 1,1382 lbs. He married a woman who was 108 lbs.
A Scientist Explains What Alcohol Does to Your Brain
Alcohol affects the brain and although it seems to affect everyone differently, there are a few chemical reactions that alcohol is stimulating in everyone's body while they're having a few drinks.
50th wedding anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
'Let's have a party, Homer,' she suggested. 'Let's kill a pig.'
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. 'Gee, Ethel,' he finally answered, 'I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.
It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
This is generally perceived as a humorous reference to some unfortunate brass monkey who loses his testicles if the weather is too cold. However, the phrase has a different origin. A brass monkey was a triangle of brass attached to the ship’s deck. Cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid on the brass monkey to stop them from rolling loose. Brass, like all metals, contracts as it gets colder. When the temperature was sufficiently cold for the brass to contract enough, the cannonballs would escape from their confinement.
So the expression has nothing to do with monkeys, just basic science!
Jean-Pierre Parent fools Penn & Teller
It is not often that an illusionist fools Penn & Teller but Jean-Pierre Parent fooled the world-famous team of Penn & Teller using Allison the presenter and a magic box and in the process wins a spot in their Las Vegas show.
The Loyal Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a minute!
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.
The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?
I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.
Carlin George on Children
George Carlin goes where few comedians dare to go as he takes on America's overindulgence with our children. As far as he's concerned we spend way too much time promoting exceptionalism and our children.
About 40% of Asians have trouble metabolizing alcohol due to a missing liver enzyme needed to process it.
Stanhope on Overpopulation
Doug Stanhope our new favorite curmudgeon, giving his view on what is really affecting the climate.
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.
Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
Octopus Escapes Jar
A cephalopod displays amazing intelligence. An amazing video showing an octopus escaping from a jar.
In 1961, Matisse's Le Bateau (The Boat) hung upside-down for 2 months in the Museum of Modern Art, New York and an estimated 116,000 visitors who walked past it did not notice it.
Picasso could draw even before he could walk. And the first word he ever said was the Spanish word for pencil. Talk about being a natural born artist!
Smile For the DMV
The line at DMV inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Never Drinking Again
Hangover the musical, a humorous story of what happens when you drink too many adult beverages told in song.
In 1859, 24 rabbits were released in Australia. Within six years the population grew to 2 million.
Penguins Flying
Crystal clear Antarctic waters at the edge of an ice shelf and penguin acrobatics make a good video
One of those Questions Women Ask
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over.
The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds.
Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.
Police Brutality
A comedy sketch by Mitchell and Webb portraying a police officer and his partner a public relations officer in not getting along so well.
There is no such thing as a "male brain" or a "female brain," all have an unpredictable mishmash of male-like and female-like features.
An Englishman Plays Risk
In this humorous comedy sketch, risk players become a caricature of the country they represent. England tries to relive the glory days by invading everyone but settles for a few islands.
Did you hear about the locomotive
Did you hear about the locomotive that always did as it was told?
It was really well trained
If Politicians Were Honest
A humorous skit imagining if politicians had to tell the truth during elections... and limit comments to stuff that was guaranteed to appeal to the majority of the voters.
In 1833, Britain used 40% of its national budget to buy freedom for all slaves in the Empire.
A Member of the Notorious Al-Gebra Movement.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. However, he did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
Louis CK on Twitter
There is a real life to be enjoyed, but everyone is too busy posting their status to Twitter.
$30 of raw popcorn can generate $3,000 worth of sales at movie theaters.
''The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter". - Winston Churchill
''Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.'' - Will Rogers
My Internet Is Out
After being on the phone with Time Warner for six hours, this comedian came up with a comedy monologue, and because he is part Indian he nails the accent.
Dorm Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students.
Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Right Whale Mating Logistics
For creatures this size, mating is not easy. It takes a twelve foot long reproductive organ, to get the job done.
One horse has a peak power output of 14.9 horsepower.
Growing Up Religious & Abstinent
Taylor loves her very religious dad, but thinks he could use a software update. According to this comedian people who hate their parents have unrealistic expectations.
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
War Letter
Funny parody of a war letter. In this case soldier dictates his last words even though he's only been shot in the canteen.
Difference Between Ravens and Crow
All birds have specialized tail feathers that help with flight. These feathers are called pinions.
If you look closely you can tell that ravens have four of these feathers while crows only have three.
You could say the difference is just a matter of a pinion.
First Moon Party
Mom sees through her daughter's little red lie, and decides humor is the best approach.
Taurine, the main ingredient in Red Bull, is an extract of the stomach lining of cows
Tom Papa - Women Are Scary
This stand up performance of Tom Papa took place at the Just for Laughs Festival and humerously details the psychological damage that women can do to a man.
General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times
In a party a General proudly said that he did "it" 10 times with his wife on his wedding night.
Brigadier next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night.
Colonel claimed he did it 4 times on his first night.
All turned towards a young Captain and asked how many times did he do on his wedding night.
Captain replied: Only once sir.
General laughed and asked why?
Captain replied: My wife wasn't used to it Sir
Corporate Retreat - SNL
Three employees tell jokes with a very specific theme in this humorous comedy skit.
Humans share 68% of their DNA with bananas!
Another Close Encounter - SNL
The government is interested in the stories three people who were abducted for a second time by aliens. Kate McKinnon tells her story of being prodded and poked by curious grey beings.
I bought a snail
I bought a snail to enter in the snail races
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish
They Just Don't Know It yet
Some humorous advice to older folks - just go with the flow. Let your children and grandchildren think you are loaded.
There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 – ten quintillion – insects alive on earth at any one moment. In total, they weigh about 300 times as much as all the humans put together.
Wiley Coyote Catches Road Runner
What happens now that he's spent 20 years trying to catch the roadrunner and finally succeeded.
Communication Issues
My wife wrote an email saying she was concerned that we have communication issues.
I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify.
She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like.
I tweeted her that I love her more than anything.
She texted me that she loves me too and was tired after a long day of work.
So I leaned over and kissed her good night."
Time to Put Your Pants On
A humorous stand-up routine about some of the weird people that hang out in the changing room in the gym.
The sun contains more than 99.8% of the total mass of the Solar System.
Buster Keaton's Amazing Stunts
Buster Keaton's Amazing Stunts had a huge influence on everyone in visual comedy, from the Three Stooges to Jackie Chan. He was the undisputed master visual gag
Top 4 Internet Promises You Won't Keep
4. I won't subscribe to anything until I can manage what I already receive.
3. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.
2. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
(and the #1 resolution)
1. I resolve to get my off-line work done, too!
Rodney Dangerfield Stand up Comedy
You have seen his jokes on the Internet, but most people aren't aware that the humor there reading was written decades ago. There is an old saying in comedy 'If it made you laugh it was a good joke'.
In 1836 the U.S. government had so much money that it repaid all its debts, and still had money .
In 1865 opium was grown in the state of Virginia and a product was distilled to 4 percent morphine.
Faster Than Light
A lone astronaut testing the first faster-than-light spacecraft travels farther than he imagined possible. .
A Revelation
It all started yesterday when I had to change a lightbulb.
On my way to the hardware store to buy a bulb I followed a chicken across the street.
Afterwards I walked into a bar where I saw a priest, a rabbi, and a blonde being served drinks by Matt, the bartender with no arms or legs.
I returned home drunk only to hear a knock-knock at my door.
There stood my neighbor's kid, little johnny.
It was at that moment I realized my life was just one big joke.