Witty One-liners

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

The only perfect science is hindsight.

Leftists are among the first to speak of their rights

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

When I'm finally holding all the cards

...why does everyone decide to play chess.

If God wanted me to touch my toes,  he would have put them on my knees.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.

Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A bargain: something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right

...there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound.

This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes

...why do some people get married more than once.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If a job is worth doing, then get someone in to do it properly.