Funny / Sexy One-liners

Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,

well it really chilled her mood.

Expert: A fellow who knows 59 ways of making love but doesn't know any girls

"I got a sweater for Christmas...

I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free

...is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home.

" I went over. Nobody was home

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg

With girls, I don't think right.

I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom.

She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex

she said, "No, one drag is enough."

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble

Condom Slogans

Don't Be A Fool, Rubberize Your Tool.

The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection.

She Won't Get Sick If You Wrap Your Dick.

No Glove, No Love!

Wrap It In Foil Before Checking Her Oil.

Never, Never Deck Her With An Unwrapped Pecker.

When Your Undressing Venus, Dress Up Your Penis.

If You Go Into Heat, Package Your Meat.

If You Think She's Spunky Cover Your Monkey.

Cover Your Stump Before You Hump.

Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy.

When In Doubt, Shroud Your Spout.

It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter.

You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong.

If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure To Condomize.

Don't Be A Fool Cover Your Tool