Now that I am older Oneliners
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I've discovered that I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few.
My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
I don't remember being absent minded.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
I feel like the morning after and I haven't been anywhere.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
My mind makes contracts my body can't keep.
I look forward to a dull evening.
The gleam in my eye is from the sun hitting my bifocals.
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My favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
My knees buckle and my belt won't.
I sit in the rocking chair and can't get it going.
I know all the answers but nobody asks the questions.
My pacemaker makes the garage door open when I see a pretty girl.
I regret all those mistakes I made resisting temptations.
When I sink my teeth into a steak they stay there.
The little old gray haired lady I helped across the street is my wife.
"Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
I don't care where my spouse goes
...just as long as I don't have to go along.
"Getting lucky" means I found my car in the parking lot.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
You Know Your getting old when:
Your underwear starts creeping up on you--and you enjoy it.
You don't do drugs anymore 'cause You can get the same effect
...just by standing up really fast.
You light the candles on your birthday cake
...and a group of campers form a circle & start singing "Kumbaya"
Your back goes out more than you do.
Someone compliments you on your layered look -- and you are wearing a bikini.
You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot-water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump
You're asleep, but others think you are dead.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You find your self singing along with elevator music.
Your ears have more hair than your head.