A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
There is a date rape drug going around. While this drug does have beneficial uses in small quantities, female sexual predators are using it at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. Shockingly this drug is available at most grocery and convenience stores! Women often persuade men to consume multiple doses, and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Often while under the influence of this drug men will succumb to desires to perform sex acts on women who they would never normally be attracted to. Men often awaken after being given this drug with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before. Some times they wake up with a headache and a vague feeling that something bad occurred. This date rape drug is known by many names such as Bud, Hinny, Draft, and Black Label. So you fellows out there be careful when some woman offers to buy you a cold one. If however, you should fall prey to this scheme you can find a support group as close as your local pub and have a beer on me.
The wife had been unable to get her husband to bed early enough. After supper he would retire to his favorite chair, light up his pipe and read the newspaper until time to turn in. She bought a lacy see through "Baby Doll" nightie and slipping into it one evening came downstairs and walked around the room. Her husband lowered the paper and watched, then returned to reading. Furious, she took everything off and came downstairs and walked around. Her husband lowered the paper, took the pipe out and pointing the stem at her said, "My dear, did you know you are getting gray hair?" Looking down , then up said, "Gray hair Hell, its cobwebs, that's what it is!"
Mirror Mirror - A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, theres a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a
hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all
the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's
grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to
her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the
policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining
up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and
she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "
Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted.
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Husband comes home from work. Wife says the TV has lost its color. How about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no TV technician, and gets a beer. Next day the wife says my car is skipping, how about looking at it. Husband says, Hey, I'm no Mr. Good wrench, and got himself a beer. Things got a little frosty and the husband decided to check out the faulty TV and car. He could find nothing wrong. When asked, the wife said she had found a man who fixed both of them. "How much did it cost?" the husband said, "Oh I told him that I had no money but he said we could work it out. I could bake him a cake or we could have sex or something." "What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband said. "Hey,", the wife said, I'm no Betty Crocker!"
A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed the husband who was a big bully bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said. "That's right!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee cap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
During a routine search, a stowaway girl was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me." "In more ways than one, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Lady goes to see a Marriage Therapist about not having any active sex life in her marriage. Therapist says. "We have come up with this new drug in a cap. Here are 30 of them. Put one a night in your husbands drink and it should do wonders for your sex life." Tells her to come back in 30 days with the results.
Thirty days she is back. "So tell me" says the Therapist. "What happened?" "Well" says the lady. "I did as you said and put one in his drink as you had said." "Nothing happened. So for the next seven nights I put one in his drink every night and still nothing happened. "So I opened the remaining 22 caps and put them in his drink." "You didn't" said the Therapist. "Yes I did" said the Lady. "What in heavens name happened?" exclaimed the Therapist.
"Well, about 10 minutes after the drink, he jumped up and yelled "WOW, I feel good." He takes the table cloth and whips it off the table ...food, plates, wine all on the floor." He grabbed me and put me on the table and made passionate love to me." It was the best sex we have ever had."
"Why that is wonderful" exclaimed the Therapist. "I am so happy for you." "But I am sorry about the mess and broken dishes of food on the floor." "Oh that's OK" said the lady. "I don't think we will ever go to that restaurant again."
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA (mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under the trade name of "Mydixaflop". Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", said God.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first". Smiling, God explained, 'I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain.It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time".
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
