A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded,
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms"
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"
With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"
These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.
A man entered a restaurant and bar and sat himself at the bar for a drink. He noticed a beautiful girl at the other end of the bar seemingly alone. After some time he picked up his drink and went to sit beside her and asked "Can I buy you a drink?" She replied in a loud voice "A motel!" "No!" he replied I just offered a drink. All the people in the restaurant were then staring at him. "I just offered a drink", he said. She replied "Why should I go with you to a motel?"
"Oh forget it" he said as he left to return to the other end of the bar. What a kook he thought. About 20 minutes later she came to his end of the bar and said; "Sir, I'm sorry to have embarrassed you but I am a student at the University and I have to do a term paper on reactions to embarrassing situations. I hope you will forgive me, since this was just part of my research." He looked at her, and in a very loud voice said, "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?"
Mom goes to son's room to wake him up. "Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!" Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!" Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!" Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!" Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school." "Why do I have to go to school?" Mother replies, "Because you're the PRINCIPAL!"
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
You believe the staff room should have a valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
Or if you think government can do a better job of education, for less money, than private enterprise or home school.
A ten year old public school boy was finding fifth grade math to be the challenge of his life. Science? A piece of cake. Geography? No big deal. Spelling? Ha! Give me a break ... but MATH? It was devastating! To not only him, but his mom and dad, too! And not that they weren't doing everything and anything to help their son ... Private tutors, peer assistance, CD-Roms, Textbooks, even HYPNOSIS! Nothing worked.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass.
Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.
They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with mat books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.
After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?
Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!
"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."
"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.
Again, the boy shrugged, "No."
"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.
"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"
"How so?", asked his mom.
"When I walked into the lobby, the first thing I saw was that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign!"
Introductory Chemistry at Duke University has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:
(95 points) Which tire?
College Entrance Exam - Football Player Version - Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1.What language is spoken in France?
2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR-
give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4.What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5.Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8.What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9.Spell-Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush:
Carter:
Clinton:
10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11.Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13.What are coat hangers used for?
14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18.Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
Name:
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify*
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room
The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.
The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought - Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! - I know!!! I know!!!
The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:
S - your head
T - Why is that Sally?
S - Because it is the highest part of your body
T - Good answer Sally - anyone else???
Little Johnny - I know I know !!!!!!
Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!
Little Becky replied:
B - your heart
T - Why Becky
B - Because you love with your heart and we love God.
T - Good answer Becky
Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!
Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??
J - your feet
T - Why your feet?
J - because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she
was yelling "Oh God - Oh God I'm coming!!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
