Country and Redneck Jokes

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.

"Before I put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"

The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?"

"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"

The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me before you play Yeah, Alabama "

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television...

He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"

"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.

And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed.

Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.

As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!?" Dang, I thought you said "goats."

Q: What do they call pall bearers in Oklahoma?

A: Carry-Oakies