Redneck Jokes

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Mitch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.

Men gots to shave but it is not so bad, as they get warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, black eyed peas, grits, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags something awful.

The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.

I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

How do you know the Toothbrush was invented by a redneck?

Because it would have been named a Teethbrush if someone else had.

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert!

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?

A: A full set of teeth.

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrasslin's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who's Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river.

Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank.

The buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, ''Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!''

''Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!'' the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, ''Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!''

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.

He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid and the office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.

The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. To start conversation, he asked her what kind of men she was interested in.

Her first choice was American Indian men, since they're so rugged.

After that she said that Jewish men were pretty attractive too.

Not belonging to either of those categories, the man asked if there were any other kinds of men she liked to date.

She thought for a moment and then said Southern men, because they're so gentlemanly.

At this point, she realized she didn't know the man's name.

"Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do.

After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, "I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel." Since they have nothing better to do, they try it.

Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, "How are you feeling?" Tim says he's fine, never felt better.

Bob asks, "Do you have a hangover?" Tim says no. Then Tim says, "Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover."

Then Bob says, "Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?" Tim says, "No, why?"

Bob says, "I'm calling you from Detroit!"

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.

3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

4. You measure distance in minutes.

5. You know several people who have hit a deer.

6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

8. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

11. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.

12. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

13. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

14. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car.

18. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

19. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

21. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

22. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

23. You think that deer season is a national holiday.

24. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."

25. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.

26. You know if another Louisianan is from southern, middle, or northern Louisiana as soon as they open their mouth.

27. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good gumbo weather.