Jokes about Men
Wife Control
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
Oil Change instructions for Women:
- Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometers since the last oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
- 15 minutes later, pay bill leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
- Oil Change: $40.00
- Coffee: $2.00
- Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
- Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under caravan.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.
- Cleverly, hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first liter of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first liter of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
- Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin swearing fit.
- Throw stupid crescent wrench.
- Beer.
- Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Beer.
- Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Beer.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car is impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
- Parts: $50.00
- DUI: $2500.00
- Impound fee: $75.00
- Bail: $1500.00
- Beer: $40.00
- Total: $4,185.00
Types of Men You Might See in the Men's Restroom
*EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
*SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
*CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
*TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
*INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
*CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
*WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
*FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
*ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
*CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
*SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
*PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
*DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
*TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
*FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
*LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
*DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
*DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
*CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
*RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.
Statistics
Statistics say that women think they are smarter than men because they can fake orgasms.
Men say "Big deal. We can fake a whole relationship just for a shag".
Short Jokes about Men
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What is the difference between men and women:....
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
Practice makes perfect.
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, clothes and diamonds.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why do bachelors like smartwomen?
Opposites attract.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why do little boys whine?
Because they're practicing to be men.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
His body.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.