Funny Lawyer Jokes and Court Room Humor

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"

Confidently the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them.", replied the man.

"What?" shouted the lawyer?

"I sure did, that's how we won the case... good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."

Generally I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. Henry IV, Shakespeare, 1600 A.D

The trouble with lawyer jokes is lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

Politicians and diapers should be changed often, for the same reason!

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

I don't understand, Cindy complained. When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them...

Would you go to lunch or read the paper?

In a court room where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

" Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly.

A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney "that will be $400.00."

The attorney became irate "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"

The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney".

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.

They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.

The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.

They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.

The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"

St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

A lawyer called the Governor in the middle of the night and said, "Sir, I heard that judge Frump just passed away and I would like to take his place."

The Governor sleepily replied; "Its fine with me, check with the undertaker."

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. "

For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued. "What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

" What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "

Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?" "

I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,"

The Genie reminded the man. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man. "And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let inside.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A lawyer was busy perusing through piles of documents in preparation of an upcoming trial, so he asked his new receptionist to keep out all visitors.

He told her, "whatever they say, just tell them, 'that's what they all say'".

That afternoon, a woman visitor insisted on seeing the lawyer and receptionist refused to let her access.

The woman said, "but I'm his wife!"

"That's what they all say."

Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass.

The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more.

This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!"

Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp.

The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!"

The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

A couple is out taking a drive in the country when they come upon traffic backed up and have to stop. After a short time a state policeman walks up to the window and they ask him what the problem is up ahead.

He says that a tour bus full of lawyers has been involved in an accident and the bus has caught fire.

The couple then ask if there is anything they can do.

The policeman says yes, others have already been mobilizing and they've collected thirty gallons of gasoline.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A tick falls off when you die.

What is the difference between a doctor and a lawyer?

 A doctor rides in the ambulance. A lawyer rides outside, chasing it.

What is the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline

A man was on a cruise in the Bermuda Triangle. A storm appeared without warning and his ship went down. He was in a lifeboat and began rowing to save people in the water.

Ahead he saw a man waiving - he recognized that it was his attorney. He stated: "We have to save him, he saved my ass on my divorce".

They began rowing towards the attorney as a pack of sharks began swimming there as well. They got there first and began circling the attorney and the circle got smaller and smaller.

His friend stated: "Oh, no - they are going in for a feeding frenzy" as they closed in and threw the attorney up in the air. He landed - straddling two sharks on their backs and then they leisurely swam him to the lifeboat.

The attorney stepped from their backs into the lifeboat. Everyone aboard the lifeboat couldn't believe what they just saw and asked: "What just happened?"

The attorney replied: "Professional courtesy".

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."

The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".

The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".

St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".

• One will leave you with a smile on your face, and the other one leaves with your will.
• One will give you a disease, and the other one is a disease.
• One will love you and leave you, and the other one you wish would leave you alone.
• One lets you lie back and enjoy it, and the other one bends you over and you don't enjoy it.
• One tells you what they're going to do to you, and the other one won't admit it.
• One you look forward to visiting, and the other one you wish you'd never met.
• One is illegal and shouldn't be, and the other one is legal and shouldn't be.
• One gives you what you paid for, and the other one you never stop paying.
• One walks the streets openly, and the other one hides in an office.
• One gets arrested for soliciting, and the other one is called a solicitor.

Do you know why lawyers are buried at a depth of at least 20 feet?

Because deep down lawyers aren't all THAT bad.!

Then there was a time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral.

"Here's a hundred," he said, "Bury 10 of them."

A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together--he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer--should he tell his partner?

There is an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.

One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other one decides to go straight.

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: "It's such a splendid estate.

What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries."

As the lawyer slowly came out of anesthetic, he said, "Why are all of the blinds drawn, doctor?" "

There's a fire across the street. We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman, and a banker were gathered by the coffin containing the body of an old friend.

In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a $100 bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.

The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "

But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The man consulted his GPS and replied, "You're are in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

"You must be a Republican," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

"The man responded, "You must be a democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now somehow, it's my fault."

There was a young couple, very much in love, who were tragically killed in an automobile accident the night before they were to be married. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by Saint Peter.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took Saint Peter aside and said, "Saint Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

Saint Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.

The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well, five years went by, and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."

Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"

The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.

But, you guessed it, the couple had been married but a few years when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, and that they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.

When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

The following exchanges are all taken from REAL court transcripts.

Some of them involve stupid or confused people, or outrageous lawyer babble, and some are just funny taken out of context. "

Q", of course, is the lawyer, and "A" is the witness.

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?

A. Borofkin.

Q. What's his first name?

A. I can't remember.

Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

A. I refuse to answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?

A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?

A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?

A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the decedent?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

If I had but one life to give for my country...

it would be a lawyers.

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

 Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

How many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!

Whats the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.

What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didnt really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?

People were confused about which side to spit

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road.

The bill of fare is as follows:

• Sautéed Tourist $10
• Braised Reporter $12
• Fried Diplomat $15
• Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, Its been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again.

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, Look, I told you there would be no returns. The man quickly replied, Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage.

The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?

Three reasons:

(1) they are more plentiful than rats.

(2) the researchers don't get as attached to them.

(3) There are some things a rat wont do.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.

Question: Who hits the bay first?

Answer: Who cares?!

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, its lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people.

A bystander asks the man, What's going on?

My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral, is the reply.

Could I borrow your lion? asks the bystander. I've got a lawyer Id like to have eaten.

Sorry, but you'll have to get at the end of that line, said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

Excuse me, a young fellow said to an older librarian, I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.

Well, replied the librarian, I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "

I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "

No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "

That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

What's the difference between a shame and a pity?

If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity.

If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here"

"Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue.

The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, lawyer is always the third thing they look up?

Because the first thing a child looks up is dog. The second is snake. And under snake, the encyclopedia says See Lawyer.

Have you seen the current remake of the movie Cape Fear? Its about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.

The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?