Funny Engineer Jokes

Dilbert is your hero *** <----- ***

Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

You can name 6 Star Trek episodes

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

You want RAM memory for Christmas

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a p-90

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

You window shop at Radio Shack

Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

You don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

You have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

You know the direction the water swirls when you flush

You own "Official Star Trek" anything

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

You have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

You have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for

You need a checklist to turn on the TV

You have introduced your kids by the wrong name

Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

You see a good design and still have to change it

You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

You own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are

You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

People groan at the party when you pick out the music

You have more toys than your kids

You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

Your checkbook always balances

You've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage

Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

You know what http:/ stands for

Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

You spend more on your home computer than your car

You did the sound system for your senior prom

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was.

The ME pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been an ME.

The EE said that was ok but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an EE.

The ME and the EE both looked at the Civil engineer who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer" they said.

"Of course" replied the CE. "Who else would run a sewer system through a major recreational area"?

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist. "I am," replied the man."How did you know?"

Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager!" I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?" "Well," says the engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow, my fault."

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now, for the first time we have a rigid Mathematical proof that explains why this is true.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.

Postulate 2: Time is money.

Now, as every Engineer knows,

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

(SUNG TO THE TUNE OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES)

Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,

A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,

But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,

He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",

VAX that is ... CRT's ... Workstations;

Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,

The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",

They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",

So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,

Motorola that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;

On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,

Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,

They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,

Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"

OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,

Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,

They called another meeting and decided on a fix,

They answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"

Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life

Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,

Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,

Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,

Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,

Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...

Once upon a time, a male engineer decided to vacation on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful... the best experience of his life! He was waited upon hand an foot. But, alas, it did not last. A Hurricane came up suddenly.......and the ship went down.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.....or at least within the past 4 months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention). She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But, but.....," stuttered the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said, "where do you live?"

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No thanks," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied. "I have a still; how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".

"Well if you would like to shave, there's a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..

"You look great," said the woman, "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

The man settled in to wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me something," she said, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, moving closer to the woman while fixing her with a long, intense gaze. "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection, too?"